Friday, October 1, 2010

Dwelling

I take small steps to build the strength it takes for me to leave home and not isolate myself anymore. Yesterday I went out in the tiny garden by my apartment-building and picked some apples that looked ready. They were awfully sour though, but pretty to look at nonetheless so they now decorate my table. I also tried yoga yesterday for the first time. At home on the floor. I didn't like it very much, but I think I did it wrong and the instructor in the video I have talks so fast. How could I ever find inner peace and calm listening to a hysterical woman shouting instructions. It felt like a military exercise to me.

Today I went on a short walk to the muddy shore of the duck-pond and just sat there reading old journals, taking some photographs, rescuing a football that some kid had thrown into the water, that sort of thing. I just got back and now I sit here again. I don't know if it feels good or bad, but neutral is fine for me. Actually, neutral feels kind of awesome compared to how this week started.

I still don't have the energy to go through with some things that should be easy, like finishing my english essay, getting the photos from my camera into my computer, sorting the laundry, paying the bills.. Okay the last two aren't easy at all for me, and I think nobody really enjoys paying the bills.

Another strange thing is that I can't listen to music right now. It's like the sounds disturb my heart-rate almost. It distracts me and causes stress in a weird way. Music should be soothing but even meditative music has that weird effect on me right now. But silence is ok too I guess. I think this overly sensitive hearing will wear off soon. Have you ever experienced anything like that? This is kind of new to me..

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