Complete crash..

Sorry about the overly dramatic image of the dead pigeon, but I'm overwhelmed with disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration today.. Heads up, there is nothing sweet about this day at all..

School started today. Mhm? I'd really been looking forward to this terms classes, I mean really looking forward to them and making plans and thinking about this as the best time of school ever. Let's just say all those expectations were seriously beaten down into nothing and below today and I don't know what to do.

One part of me just want's to quit school and work full-time as a freelance artist, get my shop up and start my own business as planned only one year ahead of schedule.. Another part of me feels the pressure, the panic and frustration in what I've promised myself and those around me, that this time I won't quit, that this time I'll make it through and finish with that graduation as it's supposed to be. A third part of me, the one which is writing this, is seriously confused and just utterly helpless in this situation and has no idea of what to do..

Right now this seriously stupid education seems like a utter waste of time and that I'd be better of trying to get to where I want to be right now instead of wasting a year's worth of blood, sweat and tears doing something useless.. I'm beyond bitter today, but I needed to get it out of my system. I'll need some time to seriously reconsider my situation and what to do about it..

Monday Sweetness: Sleeping!

I watched Juno twice today.. The last time with commentary, I had a white cat sleeping on my lap the entire time and I think I fell asleep more than once too.

After lunch I fell asleep to the sounds of some of my favorite music which just happens to be really soothing and slow, perfect for napping, only that I slept until 6 in the afternoon..

No big deal, it was actually very sweet and the slow pace of today is probably just what I need to hold the stress back and get through some difficult stuff. Hence is sleeping this weeks mondays sweetest thing!

The picture here is of me and J, I'm not actually sleeping, but if I got to chose any place or position I would want to fall asleep in every single day from now on it would be in just like that. Close to J underneath a tree during a lazy summer afternoon.

Cats, Ohnoes!

The cats have arrived to my little apartment and one of them especially is running around like crazy trying to make everything into a toy. Popcorn, pieces of yarn, paper, the toilet.. *sigh* That last part I've solved. Right now he's trying to attack me from underneath the tablecloth in his own cute way. The other cat just looks at him with sleepy eyes as if saying: "How on earth can you have the energy to run around like that kid? Geez.."

But they are oh-so-cute I just want to cuddle them all day and nothing would stop me except for this nasty allergy I have! It's making me into a sneezing mess right now, but a day with such cute and wonderful personalities as Bowser and Snow makes it kind of worth it. They´re gonna stay until early morning tomorrow and soon they'll see their new home!

Tomorrow school starts and I still don't know if I'm accepted into my class or not. That sucks, but I'll go there anyway and hope that things get straightened out somehow.. All these worries are making me dizzy! Somehow I just feel like sleeping all day but I don't know if that's a good idea or not. Maybe I should watch a movie while snoozing and sneezing at least?

What's a good movie for taking worries away? Or just soothe the heart a bit?

I miss her..

My little sister, so beautiful, witty and wonderful in every way. Oddly enough she's always been like a big sister to me. I don't mind at all. We protect and care for each other..

I was just looking through this photo shoot I did with her and I realized how much I miss her. We have been away from each other far too much ever since I was 16 and moved away from home to go to animation-school. We used to be like twins growing up. We even dressed alike as kiddos. Now she lives so close but we´re both too poor to be able to fit train tickets into our budgets, gah! It's really frustrating. I just wanted to write a little about her and feature something here that I truly love since my last post was so bitter that it even brings me down to look at it!

I'm big E, she's little E, my little Elin.. I love you sister!

Soothing ice cream-breakfast

J urged me to grab a big bowl of coco-muffin ice cream after I had a collapse of anxiety, anger, annoyance and sheer panic.. You know, bad stuff went down. Nothing unusual really, but ice cream and a big cup of tea after a hot shower helped me get over most of it.

There is just so much stuff piling up now. Not much for a regular healthy person maybe, but very much for me in my not so healthy, sensitive state.. What set it off was a discussion about Lara Croft which always agitates me. I don't want to discuss it here and now in fear of getting too much into it and I don't want to use this blog to discuss politics, but it's about J's final exam paper, Lara Croft, breast size and the fact that when even scientists start to see Lara Croft as only a sex-symbol with big breasts then I start to loose my faith in education, game studies and well.. men. Sad to say it but yeah, it's true. I'm seriously considering doing my final exam paper solely on Lara Croft and how men constantly fail to see her as anything but a sex symbol and keep making things worse.

There, now I won't discuss politics anymore.. Blegh! (Just want to add that it's not my husband I'm disappointed in, it's our university teachers and some other fancy-schmancy dudes)

Well, there are things piling up as I said. Nice things mostly so there is nothing to worry about really, but I do anyway and I need to calm down, take a step back and just face it slowly. I think the impending school-start is making me nervous as well as traveling next weekend even though the trip in itself is a wonderful event. I'm going to see my great grandmother whom I adore and admire. I haven't seen her enough and she's very very old and sick so I really want to visit her and tell her how much she means to me before she passes on.

I'm stressed out about getting train-tickets, I'm stressed out about classes, money, shipping costs for my shop and all such things. They are like a big angry cloud in my head and everything is shouting at me like: "Pick me first! Do it now! Send that e-mail! Calculate that shipping cost to Australia now just in case! DO IT!!"

We'll see how this day turns out. Right now I'm really confused and anxious, it might show, sorry for the bitterness and panic, but I did warn you! This blog isn't just sweet, it's bitter sometimes too.. Like today. But the ice cream sure was sweet...

Cats and Stickycake!

Today I got to come over to see my friends new apartment for the first time! First we made some "stickycake" which is really a sticky chocolate cake (see bottom of the post for a pic of the process..) We made some coffee, packed some bags and such to prepare. Meanwhile I managed to snap some photos of the lovely little kitten Snow which is a new addition to G's family of cats. He is such a naughty cat too! But he is really friendly, and you can play with him and nudge him with your feet and he'll play like crazy but never use his claws. I might get to babysit him and the others during the moving-process. That would be so darn neat!

After that we took the bags with everything and went over to the new apartment. I love the process of moving from one place to another, so I felt really excited in following my friends to share that experience. I'm a bit jealous, they'll have such a nice view cause they'll live so high off the ground! Their cats will feel like the rulers of the world up there.

We had a little picnic on the floor with our cake and our coffee and then we just stood by the window and looked at people passing by, it was really great. Tomorrow I'll go over again and help a bit with the moving process, just get some stuff over. I'm looking forward to that and this upcoming autumn because me and G will make it into a great final year of our education. We both feel like we´re heading towards a greater and brighter future filled with good stuff, creativity and tea during cozy afternoons.

Gabriella and the view..

Sweet day!

Preparations, Hype-Hype!

I've been preparing like crazy to open up my Etsy-shop this morning! Making little tags to go along with each package, snapping photos of all my patches, of myself wearing my jacket with a patch-painting sewn onto it, phew!

Can you tell I'm trying to hype my own shop? How cheap of me!

But anyway, I just wanted to show a very blurry teaser photo from my photo shoot. I liked it even though it was way out of focus. It's hard to take good photos of yourself using a timer, and I'm not really a model you know! O__o I actually hate having my photo taken by others. I always look sad and awkward which isn't that strange since thats exactly how I feel once someone puts a camera in front of my face. When I take photos of myself they usually end up looking like amateur-posing which isn't that strange either since, ehm, I'm not a model as I've previously stated, heh.. I love photography though, and some of my friends and my little sister has modeled for me and they do it like professionals in my opinion!

I got a bit off-topic there, I was talking about my shop! I haven't set a time or date when I'm gonna launch it, but it will be soon. Very soon! I'm gonna tell you all about it when it happens..

So now I'm gonna get ready to head of to see G!

I've had the two most productive days in a very long time (not counting forced creativity, just happy creativity)

I've been painting patches and photographing them, I've got everything ready to start selling stuff in my shop but I'm oh-so nervous! I've sold doll-clothes online before, but this is something new, and I don't even know if anyone will want to buy my patches, hmm.. But I won't know unless I try will I?

I took a walk today, by that pond where the ducks I wrote about a while ago lives. The ducklings were so grown up now, but I recognized them because they were fuzzier than the others. I didn't remember to bring any bread for them today either though, and they seemed a bit annoyed when I sat down on that bench without anything for them to eat.. Just watching them while listening to great music in my big headphones helped me get some energy seeping back into me, otherwise I don't think I would have gotten this far with my patch-project which I will show you as soon as it's properly edited and I'm brave enough to actually put them up for sale..

That will be the first step of what will hopefully be my dream come true, to create, share and live my life as I truly want to live it. But that's a big, huge dreamy goal! Small ones come first.. Small steps, ok?

Sweet Artist: Saturne

I want to start featuring artists that have inspired me and write some about them. I'm doing this without their permission but I hope they won't hate me for it, I do it because I'm a fan!

The first artist I want to share is Saturne! I found her art by coincidence a long time ago and was hooked.. Her way of using lines, flowing and crooked like wild branches really appeals to me. She also seems to have the same love for trees as I do! Her way of portraying people is macabre and twisted in a really beautiful way. Art that manages to be captivating, fragile and scary at the same time really appeals to me.

Saturne also seems like a really cool girl! She's french, she's the vocalist in a band and she is really beautiful! The kind of person I wish I could get to know better which makes me like her art even more. The person behind an image is just as important as what you´re looking at.

I hope you'll check out more of her gallery!

Chai breakfast philosophy

J dragged me out of bed this morning and I made some sleepy sounds of protest but now I'm thankful. I really think I'm a morning person strangely enough. I feel more alive, more creative, more able to take care of myself when I sit here, up with the sun, looking at some distant rain clouds outside of my window with a big cup of Chai in my hand (it's empty by now though). So my new philosophy is rather simple and I had already guessed it and written a bit about it before. I feel better getting up early, drinking tea in the morning rather than snoozing until noon. The bed might feel tempting with it's fluffy pillows, pink rosy sheets and warm blankets but as soon as I'm standing on my two feet on the floor beside it I realize the bed is like a big bowl of tasty candy. It makes you feel amazing at first but after you've had too many you start getting a tummy-ache and your teeth feel all funny.

Yeah, that's my new philosophy, and I hope I'll remember it! Hah, take that bed!

I have no plans for today and it's lovely. That means I'll try to fill it with random creative activities. Maybe, just maybe I'll fix some things to get my Etsy-shop a step closer to opening, but no promises to you or myself. Slow steps it is, and I'm still on summer vacation/rehab to turn into the happy, creative Emmy I know I can be. Too many ideas and plans might ruin everything. School starts soon, but this year will be amazing. No more working in projects, no more compromising with others about pixels and polygons, just me and my projects, the way I want it to be.. It might sound egoistic and like I can't cooperate, I don't know myself, I just know I'm sick of it right now. I need a year of working on my own to know that I can do things myself. I stand on my own two feet on the ground with my cup of tea and I love it right now..

Breakfast is over.

Tasty finds!

Me and G went thrift shopping, me with the goal to get those things to sew a jacket but ended up with a porcelain cat and a porcelain bird.. Hum-hum, yeah..

Anyway, after that we dared to enter a tiny asian food store that I've been too shy to go into before and we found some really sweet stuff, literally! I'd never eaten Pocky before but it really is a really nice snack. I also got some coconut flavored rice crackers. We went home, made some tea and had a picnic with all our finds. It was really relaxing and now I'm gonna eat some more of those coconut-thingys! Oh yah!

Of the Sea

I made this journal-page yesterday. The only idea I had was that I wanted to create waves from strips of newspaper and then I just added the huge witch of the sea in there, haha! She does look very much like a supermodel though, how curious..

Anyway, I', not a huge fan of the ocean. Well, I love that it's there and I care about it and all, I just don't like having it too close because it makes me nervous with it's hugeness! I spent a lot of my childhood right by the baltic sea and yeah, it was lovely, but my fear of deep water has increased with age oddly enough. I don't like to go swimming at all. Oh what the hell is the point of this negative bashing of the sea you might wonder? Me too! I'm tired because I got up earlier than usual tha's all.. Maybe I'll post something more sensible later..

Tea

I think I'm starting to get a new good habit. Drinking tea! And buying tea! I've been a little too scared to actually ask the person behind the counter to get to sniff the tasty teas they store in big jars with sweet labels on them, yeah, that's just how shy I am.. Anyway. Now I've done it twice and my collection of teas is growing! The wonderful girl who helped me in the store gave me a tea-menu to bring home that has all their flavors written in it, and I'm overwhelmed! I didn't know there were so many different kinds! Next time I go I might get the toffee-tea, or no wait, the peach and apricot one maybe? Or blueberry?! I want them all..

Today I bought Chai tea because I just recently discovered how wonderful it is. I'm a bit of a tea-noob, I don't know much, I just know I like certain tastes and Chai tastes like cinnamon which I love. I also bought a black tea with the flavor and scent of violets. I just had some and it was amazing! Now I'm all warm on the inside because of it. I also ran into a little problem that will be nice to deal with, and that is that I don't have a jar the right size to store this tea in, so I'll have to find one! Now, looking for beautiful boxes and containers is something I love, and I was already planning to go to that big second-hand store as soon as they open tomorrow and I'll look for one then. It's gonna be fun. :)

What are your favorite flavors?

Monday Sweetness: Badgers!

This image belongs to Badgerbadger

I'm starting a little series here. I want to post something sweet that makes me happy each monday since I always feel horrible on mondays. I need something sweet to cure it!

This monday that sweet thing is badgers! Me and J watched a show on TV about badgers the other day and my love for them only increased! They are so round and sweet and cute! They look like sneaky, small pandas to me. Apparently they eat worms, don't like to eat slugs that much but love apples and cherries! Only in the UK do the badgers live in families. They huddle together in their hole in the ground and sleep there, play there and just hang around. Pretty sweet huh?

Here in sweden the most common way to spot a badger is by the side of the road, overrun by cars. It breaks my heart every time. I've heard they lie down on the asphalt because it warms their bellies at night, and then WHAM! A car comes by and kills them. It's too sad to be true, but I'm not sure.

I spotted a badger once though, a wild live one while walking across a garden in the middle of the night. It was huge! It was round and grey and it looked straight at me curiously.. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared back, unsure of what to do. I felt shy.. After standing like that for perhaps a minute or two I started to talk to it. Telling it that It was nice to see it, and that I wanted to say hi and such. It listened to me for a while and when I fell quiet it sniffed the air and turned away and left, walking into the darkness on it's black little paws.

I love badgers!

The Sketchbook Project

I signed up for the Sketchbook Project just now and I'm really excited about it! I'll get my sketchbook in about two weeks and I can't wait until I get to fill it with stuff. I chose the theme 'Boys and Girls' because that is what I enjoy drawing the most. I think this will be a great way to be creative with a deadline without it feeling like a burden. I do it because it will be fun and I think the project in itself is kind of awesome..

As always anticipation comes right along with worry and anxiety for me, but I'll get through it. Yesterday I had a really great day with J and I'm so happy about that. Giddy and high on coffee I got to cut his hair and he also commissioned me for a customized jacket for autumn! I'm looking forward to go hunting for materials and we´re discussing ideas and stuff. I'm really happy about all this! :)

Things from School

I just recently remembered a school project from last autumn I think it was.. I loved doing this. The assignment was to go through a pre-production phase for a made up video-game concept. I did a bunch of concept illustrations and a client board as if to present the idea. I still would love to see this idea come to life. I'm thinking of trying to make some of the creatures into plushies or something.. I dunno.

The whole style of the game was greatly inspired by one of my favorite artists Alberto Cerriteno. His work is amazing!

Bitter effects of shyness..

There are so many people I would like to get to know. I'm sure they are all wonderful and exciting and have things to tell that would be amazing to listen to, but I rarely get to know people that well, or at all. I'm shy you see, so shy in fact that I can't really look anyone in the eye without getting all shaky, choking on my own breath or start making odd little noises.. I know, it's strange and all, but I don't think I'm alone in feeling that way.

Sometimes I feel scared to go out because I have to pass people in the street. It makes me nervous. If I meet a neighbor in the staircase I get all shaky. Social anxiety and it's bitter side-effects make me sad, but I have hopes that I'll get better someday. The worst part is that I often miss the chance to make friends because I'm too nervous to speak to them. I loose old friends because I don't dare to call them. I'm being honest now, I hope you won't judge, I think being honest is the best even though it shows things that aren't in my favor.

The friends I have I love dearly. I treasure them and I hope they know that. I think shyness often can be misunderstood as nonchalance and the fact that I'm often too scared to ask people questions can be interpreted as not being interested, but I am, I really am.

Today feels like a really good day though, and I am optimistic because I'm starting to actually do something about my shyness. I'll take small steps towards getting to know the people I'm curious about.

I'm curious about you! Who are you?

Trip trap

I went on a little sneaky trip today. Not really a trip maybe, but a walk at least. It was sneaky because I sneaked through a hole in a barbed wire fence and ended up by a seemly abandoned military site.. Now I knew I wasn't supposed to be in there, but it was so exciting so I just walked around in there for a while feeling very guilty, thrilled and pleased at the same time.. Strange.

I had to crawl through some bushes and tripped over branches and old junk but it was worth it. I love sneaking into places where people aren't supposed to be. There aren't many abandoned buildings or exciting sites around where I live, but inspired by amazing people who have it as their main obsession to search for such sites and take pictures of them I love to at least try to find excitement in my everyday life like this..

My favorite piece in 'Animatrix' is the one where a girl goes out searching for her cat and ends up in a "haunted house" that is actually a glitch in the matrix where the laws of the world are just messed up. Maybe I'm just dreaming of finding a place like that?

Patches Project

This idea has been in my head ever since I got to try to paint on fabrics during a wonderful creative party I went to with my mother-in-law! I'm very excited that I've finally started working on it and that It hasn't failed on me yet. I think this might actually be working out just as it's supposed to according to my plans.

So the plan is to create cotton patches with unique hand-painted art to sew onto jackets, jeans, bags, purses or socks, whatever you can think of! You could also hang them on the wall, pin them onto your couch or hang them on the fridge with magnets! Neat huh?

I've created a big pink batch of basic patches today and painted two of them already with the style I intend to work on with these things. The little fawn is my favorite, I think I'll sew it onto my jacket sleeve!

The next step in the plan is to paint the rest of these pink patches and then create another batch in some other colors and start selling these. I haven't set any prizes or anything yet, it's all just in my head, but of course, if you feel like: 'wow, I must have one!', you could just comment or send an email. I'd be really happy to get some feedback too, like what colors would be cutest or what kinds of things I should paint..

*hugs*

Rowanberry

I've been working on this faerie for a few days now. Like my first one, Mildew, she just came out really quickly as a pencil sketch and then the right coloring takes a lot of time. August is still summer to me, but it feels as if autumn is slowly creeping in. The air feels different somehow.

I like it when the air feels a bit more chilly though. Sweaters and hoodies, hats, mittens.. I kind of miss them. But I hope winter never arrives this year. We can skip winter and go straight to spring again, that's my opinion. :)

Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo!

Yesterday I was dead tired. Nothing made me excited or happy or eager to get out from the underneath layers of cushions and blankets where I'd hidden. J got home from work to console me, and after hours of sleeping in the middle of the day I finally had the energy of getting up. He took me out for sushi, one of my favorites and then we went to buy some movies..

This is where I'm getting to the point you see. We bought Ponyo. We´re currently collecting all the Ghibli movies and I'd never seen Ponyo before so I was a bit hesitant when I chose between her and 'Howls Moving Castle' which I love but don't have at home yet. But we took Ponyo and I am not disappointed at all! Nuh-uh! Ponyo was just what I needed, and what I will need in the future on other hopeless days when everything seems gray and gloomy.

I just kept laughing and shouting: "Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyoooo!!!" through-ought the entire movie and it made me so happy I could almost cry. It was like a sweet cupcake filled with happiness that I'd recommend to anyone having a bad day!

The hopeless animator in me said: "this is beyond amazing".. The hopeless romantic in me said: "this is beyond cute".. and the hopeless negative gloomy enmi went away for a while. In other words, it was great!

Poetry

I recently realized I love poetry.. It just occurred to me that It's a form of art I've always forgotten or pushed furthest away in the back of my crowded mind since other things have forced their way to the front..

Because of this I find poetry to be something new and fresh that I know almost nothing about. Famous poems have passed me by completely, famous poets that I just know the name of become new sources of inspiration. It's incredible really. I'm so happy to have this new thing to explore.

It's not entirely new of course.. I remember back in school when I was 13 we had to write haiku for a contest and I loved it. My naïve little poem about autumn leaves in the forest ended up being published in some kind of book but I don't have it and I can't remember what the name was. Anyway, I quickly forgot about that little success and went on drawing, dancing or whatever.

Poetry is like songs without melodies. I love to write them down by hand and recite them out loud to myself. Read them with different tones of my voice to find the things I love about a certain poem. I found one today that I really love. Here it is:

The tree has entered my hands,

The sap has ascended my arms,

The tree has grown in my breast-

Downward,

The branches grow out of me, like arms.

Tree you are

Moss you are

You are violets with wind above them.

A child - so high - you are,

And all this is folly to the world.

It's called 'A Girl' and it was written by Ezra Pound. I found it today by accident..

When me and dear G went to London last year we found a great antique bookstore and I stood a long time by the shelf with old poetry fingering the spines of the books wondering if I should spend the little money I had buying one of them or not. I didn't know any of the poets and I had no idea if it would be worth it or not. I never bought anything. I want to go back and buy antique english books of poetry I know nothing about. I really think it would be worth it...

A bunch

Oh, a whole bunch of pages I've managed to create during my trip and a bit before that. Right now I'm sitting here, listening to a great radio-show with just talk, talk, talk.. It's really relaxing to listen to the sound of other peoples voices when they are welcome. Sometimes I enjoy the silence, but today I need some talking around me. It feels good.

I have a list of ideas pinned to the wall next to me here by the kitchen table. I want to start working on all of them but I'll just have to wait and see if this day will bring the energy it takes to create a pattern, bring out the paint and brushes, yarn, you know.. Some people seem to have the energy to do everything they want to do. I want a lot. Eventually I will get want I want. I know I will.

There and back again

Now I'm back at home with all my familiar things but hopefully a calmer state of mind. I wanted to photograph stuff, and I did. It was really nice, and I got some sweet ones that I want to share. I'll post them all in my flickr-gallery which you can find the link to in the sidelines here..

Other than photography I spent these days stargazing, seeing two of them fall and wishing for good things to happen. I cuddled with cats, watched some movies, took some long walks in the dark which scared me like crazy but I made it through. I also went to yet another great second hand store with wonderful things. I got some stuff that I really like. I'll probably snap some photos of those things too eventually when I feel like it. I also spent some afternoons painting and pasting in my art journal. The new pages will be posted here too soon enough, maybe tomorrow? Tonight? Anyway, soon..

In other news my hair is now properly red even though I still want it lighter, more carrot-like, heh.. Like Pippi Longstockings braids!

*hugs*

Follow me to the Forest

I'm probably going to go away for the week to rest my confused little mind filled with big things. I need to get some energy from the forest and from the four crazy cats I'm going to visit.

It's sad to leave J, but it's only for a few days. I hope that I will be able to relax and set some things in my head straight, and best of all would be if I can snap loads and loads of pretty photographs, or meet some faeries somewhere behind dusty house corners..

I hope that I can someday step into a dreamworld like Narnia, or the one that Kaye visits in her modern Faerietales.. I don't need adventures, but I'd like to find mysteries and things out of the ordinary. I did once this summer, it might not be magical but it felt so to me:

I was alone there in the middle of the forest. I woke up and didn't know what to do so I walked calmly around to explore. There is an old stable there and I opened the door to go in. The sun rays lit spots on the floor and there, scattered about were butterfly wings. Fragile, orange black and white wings without their owners.. It seemed sad, but it was very beautiful at the same time. I picked those wings up and now I store them in a little envelope in my kitchen cupboard. It felt like finding a true treasure like in a tale..

Out of the mid-wood's twilight

Into the meadow's dawn,

Ivory limbed and brown-eyed,

Flashes my Faun!

He skips through the copses singing,

And his shadow dances along,

And I know not which I should follow,

Shadow or song!

O Hunter, snare me his shadow!

O Nightingale, catch me his strain!

Else moonstruck with music and madness

I track him in vain!

/ Oscar Wilde

Another page

I've been cutting, pasting and creating journal pages like crazy today. It feels good, I just can't stop myself, I had an entire ELLE magazine I bought for a boring train ride to go through with my scissors and now I have so many cool images to be inspired from and to create new pages out of.

Another part of my journal-frenzy is that I am rather bored. I have no books left to read that I am interested of and I don't want to walk around with nothing to do since that tends to lead to anxiety and gloom that I do not want today! Nuh-uh! I don't want to go out or meet people either, I went out to sit on a tire-swing in the park for a while but felt weird so I went back home again. Gah, such an enmi-thing to do.. I'm packed with issues I'm working on getting rid of, but I'm trying to accept them and be nicer to myself and take it easy. I don't have to solve every issue right now. The quote in the page is from an interview with Kylie Minogue of all people, and in english it says: "I've started to be nicer to myself, more accepting - this is me and what I do". I pasted it in along with a raging angry girl with spiky mohawk hair because I want to scream this into my own head. Be nice! Accept! Stop judging yourself!

This is me and what I do..

New way of doing things

From now on I will awake early and get out of bed as soon as I open my eyes. It's an experiment I'll try out for a while. Sleeping is amazing, I love it, but if I awake in the middle of the day I rarely feel well and It's difficult to motivate myself to get out of bed at all. Besides that I feel so much more creative and full of energy early in the morning, isn't that weird? I dunno, I always thought of myself as a tired zombie, but I'm not really, not if I have something to look forward to. That is another part of my plan. I will make sure to have at least one little creative thing to look forward to the next day. Not a big project such as a whole illustration or a photo shoot or a piece of doll clothing, no, smaller things. Like today my goal was to create one journal-page which for me is such a relief. It's easy and fun and without any kind of pressure. Another little goal can be to go outside and take at least one photo of something. A leaf or a flower or anything I can find that I like.

With these new plans I think I will feel better. A wise lady told me that with each tiny step I take with my creativity I will get stronger, as if I was exercising my muscles. Right now I'm weak and tired and exhausted from a long time of not feeling well, and I am recovering. This is a part of my recovery, and I will try to take small and happy little steps to get to a better place.

Today I had three new journal-entries to share, but I also want to show you the thing I adore most in my apartment interior-wise.. I've been collecting pictures from magazines and all over and put up things that inspire me. This is what I look at every day by my kitchen table. I want to cover an entire wall!

Tsk tsk..

You know the ultimate recipe to cure enmi-gloom? I found it!

'My neighbor Totoro' on dvd, salmon pasta with paprika and 'Chunky Monkey' ice cream from Ben & Jerry's for dessert. And of course a nice hot cup of tea. All enjoyed with my husband in the light of a candle and while humming: "totoro, totoooro.."

So now you know, and I do too.. Tomorrow I'll rise early and eat a proper breakfast and allow myself to slowly just work things through instead of rushing myself and beating myself up. I'm on a slow and hopefully steady road towards being productive, happy and calm. To keep on the right track I need to be nice to myself, so I'm just gonna finish this rather depressing day in my sofa, under cosy blankets thinking happy thoughts. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Totoro, Totooooro!