Yeah, this is a bit depressing, but if I had written about myself in this moment, like a character in a book, I would probably have been able to find some kind of romantic appeal to the whole situation. If I pretend it's all a chapter in a book, and that the character will eventually get her student-loan money and get paid for the work she's done, then maybe things will become less scary. After all, being a poor, starving artist is kind of a classic.
And yes, to those who frown upon my new and unhealthy habit of smoking, do not worry, I can't afford to buy new milk for my coffee. I won't be buying any cigarettes any time soon. And yes, this post is very dramatic and a tad ironic, but I felt like I had to get it off my chest. Now I'll keep listening to this moody music and try to enjoy my problems as what they are, hopefully temporary and very useful for building my own ability to cope with scary things in life. You learn something every day right?