It's too hot outside today, I didn't expect that. I'm spending the day at G's place and we got ourselves strawberries and cold milk to chill ourselves a bit.
I'm in the middle of stress, chaos, anxiety and fear right now. That's not a very nice place to be in, but I guess thats normal when you´re about to finish school, start working, moving to a new place and possibly make huge changes in your life. It could turn out amazing, or it could all go to hell, and there is no way of knowing.
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
Poem by Sylvia Plath. Photography by Lise.
Everything at home is chaos, all the movies are packed and... my internet company are having serious issues. This means I've pretty much lost contact with the rest of the world. I can't stay in touch with commission customers, I can't chat with friends and I can't blog. But hey, I'm blogging now, what is this? Well, I'm at J's office, stealing a computer to use for as long as I can.
I almost never smile in pictures. I think I look stupid. I'm trying to get over that, so now I'm showing you one of those rare smiles.
Today is the last day in the small house in the forest with Lise. It feels kind of sad, this has been a very sweet vacation with a lot of nice talking and just sitting around in the sun. I haven't been this relaxed in a long time and it's gotten me to think a lot. Both good and bad things. A bittersweet vacation indeed.
I've always wanted to do a photo shoot like this, but I didn't imagine myself as the model. It was quite scary to walk into the water since it got deep very fast and the ground to stand on was mud mixed with rotten branches and my feet would sink through. I almost fell and I couldn't help thinking about leeches! But anyway, I managed to do it and I'm really happy that I had my wonderful friend Lise there to photograph this. We managed to catch the sunset and it was a really nice adventure.
We built a picnic fort today. Blankets and sheets, balloons and cushions were gathered from all over the house and we built this little hideout where we ate waffles with strawberries and pretended we could play the guitar. I'm being very happy right now, and I'm trying to forget about all the stress and guilt I usually feel and just let myself lie down on the grass, eat a slice of watermelon and smile as the rain hit my face. We ran inside and now we´re probably gonna spend all evening and probably most of the night just wrapping ourselves up in blankets and drink hot tea. Perhaps some apple cider too? Who knows?
So well, today was interesting, and slightly chaotic.. Me and Lise caught the train into the nearby city in order to buy some food and some wine for the evening. After finally deciding what kind we wanted I realized I had forgotten my drivers license at home and we weren't allowed to buy anything at all. Then when we got to the train station to go back home, defeated after our short debate with the woman behind the counter, we realized we had missed our train by three minutes.
Me and Lise traveled along with the dog out to the forest where we are on cat guarding duty. Everything here is silence and calm. We can just relax, and drink tea, eat cookies and take loads and loads of pretty pictures. I also managed to hack my router into working here so we can both be online at the same time, something that we internet-addicts really enjoy!
I'm exhausted, but last night I went looking for inspirational images and ended up packing my own inner visual library full of new things. The result is this speedy painting that I decided to leave rather unfinished because I like the look of it. The title is from a song by Puscifer.
I'm working, and working, and then I do some sleeping and in the evenings I try to reward myself with drawing. I have some of that to show later, but for now, I still have loads of work to do if I want to have any hope of getting that graduation in time. This work is all about correcting every single mistake I've made. It's not creative, it's not fun, it's just tedious and makes me realize how many typos I make and how many times I repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Well, you get my point. I'm going a little crazy here.
First day of my week of stress, and I've made it though without any huge breakdowns. I just have a mild headache and nothing of interest to show except a happy cake I made for a friend in need of some cheerful sweetness. It makes me hungry to look at.
Everything seems to happen all at once right now, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to focus or sort out my priorities. All I want to do is sit down calmly and draw, paint, write or anything relaxing and creative, but the fact is that I have a long and gruesome list of tasks to go through before I gain that freedom. 
Yesterday I felt the need to draw something personal again, something with color in the middle of all the gray of Deadzone. I also felt the need to use a pen on real paper again since I've gone back to fully digital pieces for a while. So the result of these urges is 'Fox'. I still can't decide if I like the lines or the colored version better. Coloring for me is always a bit of a bittersweet experience since it brings out the soul in a piece of art, but it covers the lines and push them back. The foundation is important to me. 
