I'm so confused. I don't know in or out, up or down and I have no idea what to do about anything anymore. I'm in a sort of a pizza and information coma and I have absolutely no clue what choices to make in order to get the sort of life I want. I can't really have anyone else choose for me either, because then it wouldn't be right for me.. But how then?!
Lists, my wise mother told me to write lists about everything that spins around inside my head. I have a whole lot of lists to write.
Sorry about the very confused post, it shows exactly how I feel right now. Confused out of my mind.
Despite my fears and worries, things seem to be moving forward and stuff is happening. Sure, it's a lot of hard work and I feel stressed out about it like crazy, but I'm motivated right now and damned ready to just take a step forward, in my art and in my life. Phew, those are big words, but seriously, it's true. It's about time I gain some confidence and self assurance. I've spent way too much time feeling bad, feeling like what I do will never get me anywhere. I've been stuck for such a long time.
This picture is a random girl I painted for a video tutorial I was about to make, but my video editing program was, well, it sucked... I'll probably make another attempt at a video of my art progress soon, but I'll need the time. Right now my time is spent working. Working I tells ya!
Happy, colorful and cute stuff to put a smile on my face. Each day brings more yellow leaves on the tree outside my window and time passes more quickly than I thought it would. Trying times happens to everyone at different points of their lives, and I've been through a few. I should be able to make it through this time too. To help with that, I use cuteness. Cuteness is awesome.
My milk had gone bad this morning, and I don't have enough money to pay rent. I smoked my last cigarette and sat listening to Tom Waits while putting the last brush strokes on my latest commission.
Yeah, this is a bit depressing, but if I had written about myself in this moment, like a character in a book, I would probably have been able to find some kind of romantic appeal to the whole situation. If I pretend it's all a chapter in a book, and that the character will eventually get her student-loan money and get paid for the work she's done, then maybe things will become less scary. After all, being a poor, starving artist is kind of a classic.
And yes, to those who frown upon my new and unhealthy habit of smoking, do not worry, I can't afford to buy new milk for my coffee. I won't be buying any cigarettes any time soon. And yes, this post is very dramatic and a tad ironic, but I felt like I had to get it off my chest. Now I'll keep listening to this moody music and try to enjoy my problems as what they are, hopefully temporary and very useful for building my own ability to cope with scary things in life. You learn something every day right?
I was asked to answer some questions for the awesome site somethingwelike.com that feature inspirational interviews with lots and lots of amazing digital artists. I'd really recommend looking through some of them and gain a lot of helpful advice and inspiration.
It feels a bit odd to do an interview, but I'm very flattered and happy about it.
Phew, now I have a long day of hard work ahead of me, better start it with a walk with the dog and then some coffee to keep my sanity.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a fantasy world. Ok, I admit, I wish that quite a lot. Especially when real life gets a bit difficult and scary, such as it is right now. I've been told different opinions about escaping reality. Some say it's bad, that it's useless and even dangerous if it leads to not taking care of your self in real life. A wise man once told me though, that without escaping reality off into our fantasies, we wouldn't be able to cope at all with certain things in life, and that we should embrace our dreamworlds and just enjoy them as much as we can, gather strength there to go out and then battle the real world with renewed powers. I think I'll stick to that one.
I'm working a lot, and that's why blogging has become a bit less frequent. I wish I could show you all what I'm doing now, perhaps in a while. The image above however is perfectly related to escaping reality, it's a painting I did from a screenshot of the Ravenholdt Manor in World of Warcraft, the place where my character is being trained into becoming a true assassin. Nothing takes your mind off the stress of the real world like preparing to assassinate someone on the streets of Stormwind on a quiet night.
Autumn is coming, wether we want to or not! Personally I kind of love waking up every morning now, spotting new yellowed leaves on the huge tree outside my window. I'm looking forward to wearing my green mittens again and lots of scarves and layers of clothes. These cute Etsy items all remind me of autumn in the best possible way.
I brought my camera with me again this morning to the park next to where I live. It's really soothing to walk there amongst the trees. It will be nice to see them shift from green to autumn colours, even though I usually mourn the loss of the leaves. This year I'm really looking forward to autumn.
Today I have plenty of work to do, both real work and some house work. Well, I don't mind since I kind of like being busy at the moment, but I can't help feeling a bit stressed out at the same time. I have some preassure on me to really perform this time to prove what I can do art-wise. I just need to keep my calm and work on. Coffee and awesome music helps!
I suddenly got a whole lot of work to do and it feels awesome. I feel way better about myself when I have art to produce. I just wish it could be a bit more evened out and not happen all at once, but hey, I shouldn't complain!
I'm feeling way happier now and the future is looking brighter, even though I'd rather be somewhere else right now, I think I can manage being around here after all. I just need to focus and not think too much about time. Good things will come, and until then I'll keep myself busy with all the awesome projects I get to be involved in right now. Yay!
Yay, more pretty pictures! I love these bright colours and they make me all happy when I look at them.
Today I had a very interesting meeting at Stunlock Studios and I have lots of things going on around me right now that I'm trying to sort out. They could be good things, they could be awesome things, I don't know yet and I don't want to say too much in case it doesn't turn out to be anything. In any case, I feel a lot better now and I have plenty of work to do, so I should get busy drawing!
Last night I decided that I had to take my camera with me out while walking the bulldog in the morning, and I kept that promise to myself. Well, the dog hates photography-walks since she has to do random stops all the time and wait for me to find the right angle of a tree before she can sniff that special patch of grass. I love it though, because whenever I have my camera with me I start seeing things in new ways. I can see the beauty of things that I otherwise would have just passed. If not for my cameras chunky, heavy shape I would carry it with me always.
I've been very sad this past week, and well, I still am. I still have to tell myself that everything will be ok, and I know that people around me have their own problems and sorrows to deal with too, so even though I don't wish them this sadness, I'm happy in knowing I'm not all alone. Perhaps I will be able to relax soon and just wait patiently for good things to come in the future.
Today my mom was here and helped me unpack the last boxes, put curtains up and clean in my new apartment. It feels so good to be able to walk across the floor without stumbling over stuff. I'm decorating my walls and trying to make it feel like a proper home. My dog helps a lot in her own grunting snoring way, and at least I have someone to hug at night. I'm 23 but this still feels like the first time I've moved away from home for real. Have you moved out yet? How did it feel? Right now everything scares me and I've never felt so miserable and lonely ever. Yeah, I can admit that, because I don't think I'm alone in feeling that way. At least today I started to slowly feel some creativity creeping back and I did some acrylic painting. I'm making slow progress. In other news, some leaves outside my window have gone yellow. Autumn is coming.
I still haven't unpacked my boxes so there are no pretty pictures of my apartment yet. Who knows when or ever if that will happen. Sometimes I promise things I shouldn't promise. But I do have a picture of my companion, little miss derp-faced bulldog!
I'm kind of lost at the moment, all my thoughts and emotions in a big messy heap and I have no idea where to turn or what to do to fix that. I'm hoping it will come to me eventually and that this sense of whatever it is, will just go away soon. It's not very strange that I feel bad considering everything that's happened in my life this summer, but I just wish I could skip ahead in time and not have to deal with this stuff. I could try to say something deep and wise about my situation, but I can't come up with anything, so I'll try to draw instead.
I made this mini painting last week. A tiny cinnabun girl with a pretty red heart between her paws. It's up in my Etsy shop already and I'm planning to make more of these.
Right now I'm in a bit of an unsteady emotional state though, and to create these little sweet things to sell, I sort of need my happiness or at least a bit of hope. I'll surely get that stuff back eventually, but right now everything feels really really bad. I'm trying not to dwell on it and let it affect me too much, but it's difficult to ignore away. Well, I'll just wait it away instead and hopefully good things will happen soon.
This morning I felt like I should pick up my old habit of creating pages in my art journal whenever I feel down. It's a perfect distraction because it keeps me focused and creative and I always end up with something to show here. I very rarely start out with a plan, I just pick a few magazine cut outs that I like from my collection and go from there. It helps to sit there with a brush, watercolours and a focused mind when my thoughts stray to sad places. I shouldn't be sad, I've had one of the most interesting, adventurous months of my life, but now it's over and I just miss it so much.
I have to keep reminding myself that it's just the beginning, not the end and that my life can be whatever I want it to be. I used to be quite helpless and dependant on others, now I don't know what I am, but at least I can stand on my own two legs. It might be scary, but I'll get used to it eventually.
..What will the future be like? Tomorrow I'm seeing Matthew off as he returns to Scotland to swim around in Irn Bru while I stay here in swedeland. I'll be cuddling with my dog from here on, and that's good and all, but I have to admit I'm kind of scared about living all alone. I've never done it before. I've never had my own place and now that I do, I'm all excited and nervous at the same time.
When I'm on my own I tend to work a lot, and I'm planning to paint, and I've got some small new items to put up in my shop. I have a few things I need to get for myself to be able to work properly though. An ironing board, my sewing machine and light bulbs so that I can see after the sun goes down. I have to count my coins and see what I can afford. Tomorrow I'm going on a short trip to Gothenburg to wave my Scotsman goodbye, then I'm on my own.. To adventure!
I love the trees outside my window! They make me smile and I enjoy how they make everything slightly green in here. These super cute etsy items have the same effect on me. Gah, I really want those noodle bowls at the top!
I was going to take pictures of my apartment today, but it's raining and it's all dark and dull inside. I do love the rain though, it's been so hot and sunny for so long. I have a balcony and windows overlooking a park, and It's really nice to just sit and watch the rain drip from the leaves. If I look out my window that is really all that I can see, trees.
I feel a bit sad about the fact that I'll be completely alone here soon. Well, I have my snoring bulldog of course, but it's been really nice to have a snoring scotsman here too. Well, no use being sad, I'll try not to be.
My Etsy shop is now open again, weee! I'll be trying to add new items in a near future and I'm looking forward to working on my shop again. I love Etsy and I've been so eager to get back into it. Right now all my items are the same as before my vacation, but I have some plans which I will share with you soon.
Also, I created a facebook page for easy updates whenever something happens in my shop, on my blog or if I have special commission offers going on. I love having my internet back!
I'm used to being online and active all day long, every day of the week, but for the last month I've been kind of uprooted and cut off from my usual habits. In a way that has been great, beyond awesome really considering what I've been doing instead, such as traveling and meeting new sweet people, but it also makes me itch a little when I can't log in and I want to get back into my normal routine of creativity and sharing.
I have some plans for next week since that is when I will be alone again, here in my new apartment, on my own for real for the first time in my life. To avoid going crazy or all gloomy and lonely, I will probably be drawing, painting and sewing like never before (well, sewing once I manage to find my sewing machine) My Etsy shop will finally open up again, I've missed it a lot. I will start painting traditionally again, hopefully finishing my piece 'withering' soon. I'll try to bring my camera with me more often to snap pictures of my life and of course I'll be working on bittersweet comics and deadzone. I have plenty of things to occupy myself with. So sorry for being absent and a bit confused. I will most likely keep on being confused, but I'll be able to share my confusion with all of you. Neat huh?!
I've moved into my apartment and everything is just fine, but I've been without internet until now which has been driving me slightly crazy. But anyway, this is just a quick message to tell you I'm not dead, I'm feeling better than I did during my last post and I'll get photos of my new apartment to show you soon! It's kind of cute and I have an amazing view of the trees!
Meanwhile, here is a pic I made based on WoW role play. Chuu!