Horse: It doesn't work...
Bear: Totally ok...
I'm really tired today, and all of last week too. When I think about it I think I've been tired for weeks, months, years. Up and down, but always a bit sleepy, lacking energy except a few hours here and there when I can focus on something funny or creative, then back to tired and unfocused again.
Well, it's not that strange I guess. About a year ago I got my ADHD diagnose. At first it didn't feel very accurate, I mean, my idea of ADHD was a loudmouthed brat that was never calm or relaxed. Well, the relaxed part was true about me. I never relax fully, there is always some kind of anxiety or thought jumping around in my head.
They explained to me that just because I'm hyperactive doesn't mean it has to show. I'm hyper on the inside so when I appear calm and silent, it's just because my head is so full of screaming thoughts running wild and rampant. It also means focusing on something is very very tricky. I mean, how am I supposed to focus on this painting if my thoughts speak both slowly and fast at the same time and all kinds of scenarios play out at the same time. It's sort of like going to a rock concert where two bands are playing at once, just inches from eachother. One is like a super angry death metal band and the other is a quiet acoustic thingy with sweet lyrics.
It's become very obvious lately since I've been feeling better in general about life and I have a job that I can manage. I used to feel a lot worse before and now that the worst things are resolved and gone, the lack of energy and focus is still there and I realize, it's always been there.
I wish and wish that I'll become one of those energetic, happy people that can hang out with friends, work and then to home and buy groceries and later party for hours without feeling like falling into tears or falling into bed and sleep for weeks on end. If more than two tasks pile up for me I can panic and start feeling like I'll never manage to climb this mountain of impossibility that is doing both the laundry and making food. Things that I guess normally would cause people to sigh and feel that life is boring makes me feel like crashing into a wall head first and then scream until the laundry cleans itself (or ususally when my boyfriend does it for me) It doesn't have to be things like that either. It can be something like both get dressed and brush my teeth. Most of the time I have to pick just one and I don't go to work naked. I might have some holes in my teeth through.
It's tiresome and a bit embarrasing at times, that I feel like a 4-year old when I should be an adult. I feel lazy and stupid a lot when I don't understand the technical aspects of a work assignment because I simply can't listen to someones explanation for more than 5 seconds before the death metal band scream-sings all information away from my brain.
I like this part about myself sometimes too, it's not all bad. It also makes able to hyperfocus when I find something I really love, such as when I paint warhammer figures for hours. Sure I almost faint afterwards, but this hyperfocus while doing creative things has halped me a lot in life. I also like that it makes me dream up the most bizarre and odd little things in my head that I often verbalize and tell others about. My horse comic is such an example. Well, I'll try to deal with it best I can. It's a bittersweet thing, this ADHD pony living in my brain.