I put my dolls up on small shelves by my workspace today. They've been packed away in boxes for so long. I'm also priming a canvas with gesso to prepare it for sketching and acrylic painting. This all might seem really ambitious but the honest truth is that it took me hours of lying in bed with a bad feeling creeping up on me. Not because it's very difficult to do it, just because whenever I try to sit down to be creative at home I feel like such a total failcake with no ideas, no energy and nothing to motivate me. The world starts to feel dark and scary and no matter how much tea I make or how nice the music I listen to is, I always end up back in bed again with my head in the pillow.
I'm really scared that I might be falling back into a depression again and it's even more scary that I can't really pinpoint what it is that makes this happen. It's happened before during different periods of my life, about once a year, or if I'm unlucky, depressions that last for more than a year. I actually read two year old blog-entires of mine to find clues of how I beat depression last time it came around like a wet old dog to choke my happiness with it's demanding ways.
I hate this state of mind, and I really really wish I could just shrug it off. But I guess it wouldn't be labeled as a sickness if it was that easy to get rid of. I've got help from medical professionals so things are under control I guess. I just had to vent this fear and make it less scary. If I write about it it's out in the open, just like I would have written if I had a sore throat or a stomach flu. I'm sick. I'm sick with sadness even though it might not be visible on the outside.
Ok, to end this blog post on a completely different note.... My neighbor is playing Spice Girls on the highest volume possible right now. Whoever that person is, s/he's got an odd music taste. Before this it was the Lion King soundtrack blasting through the speakers, though my wall.