Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Like climbing a mountain

Today everything I do feels like climbing a mountain without legs. I'm sure some really driven, talented person has climbed a mountain without legs, but I'm not that person.

I try to work. My assignments are as fun and creative as they can possibly be. Nothing to complain about there. Still I feel more tired, exhausted and unfocused than I ever have in my entire life. Yes! Drama! It's not dramatic really, more like watching the life of a snail in slo-mo. A snail desperately trying to work it's slimy tail to move faster but it doesn't work, because it's still a snail, and it's doomed to be slow.

Unlike a snail, I'm able to work quite fast which is good since every 30 seconds I lose focus on what I'm doing and have to spend about a minute obsessing over how lazy and awfully irresponsible I am before I can go back to doing my job. As far as I can remember I've never failed a deadline at work. Always completed every assignment and been happy with the result, but during the process it's an endless battle with myself and my brain to actually accomplish this. Nothing comes easy.

I'm proud of myself that I manage to work like I do, but I'm starting to doubt I can keep this up when it feels this difficult. People with my problems (ADHD, general anxiety disorder and other things) rarely have the energy to work full time. At any other job I would probably have given up ages ago. I'm able to keep doing what I do because I have such a passion for it and really love my job. It's still a struggle and  think I'm getting worn out.

I had to vent this, get it out of my system. I'll keep working, keep doing my best to be awesome at what I do and not get burnt out in the process. Tiny ADHD-pony in my head tells me to be strong, but it's ok to be tired.