Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I haven't been writing anything in a while. There are several explanations for this and I'll try to go through them all.
1. This blog is open for anyone anywhere to read, including my relatives, my co-workers, friends, enemies (don't know if I have any of those) and even potential customers for freelance work or other people interested in me as a professional artist. This causes a problem because I have to weigh every word carefully and not write anything I might later regret or that might make me lose out on potential career opportunities. It feels really weird because this blog has never been anonymous and I haven't exactly thought much about this before, since I started it when I was still in school. I don't want to have to think about it either because it's always been a personal blog, so I write personal things. That includes everything from my art and my work in general to my very personal experiences of life, such as my battle with my own mental health. This blog has never been meant to work as a resume or proof of my competence. It's an outlet for personal reflections on my own life.
2. That brings me to number two. I've always had ups and downs like everyone has, but I've also wanted to be open about what I'm going through. Not every little detail, but the general idea. I don't like the idea that mental health problems should be something to be ashamed of or to hide away. I should be able to write about it here just like I might write that I have diabetes or a broken leg. I understand it's not that easy, and with my honesty comes the dark side-effect that potential employers might back off thinking "this person seems utterly unstable and unreliable!" which is pretty... bad. That's just a fact, and it's kind of sad. I just hope that it comes across who I am and that whoever reads about my life can do so without judging too quickly.
3. So, why haven't I been writing at all? Simply because life has been very difficult lately. It's personal stuff and I love to write about it to get it out. I want to share and I really think sharing helps both me and people who might be in a similar situation. It might also help people who know me to understand me better and clear up confusion about things. Still, lately I feel like I have to hide this side of my life to avoid over sharing. Having this blog is all about sharing, and it makes me sad that I suddenly feel scared to write as openly as I have before. I've just come to realize that the world can be a very unforgiving, harsh place where this whole "survival of the fittest" really is the truth. Especially on the internet. Maybe something can change my mind about this. I don't know. I honestly have no idea what to write here anymore if I don't have art to share, which I don't because of my health. It's all a bit sad really.