Tuesday, October 9, 2012
When this monster sleeps I can look at it with disgust and I just don't understand how my mind can work like it does. I don't suffer from multiple personality disorder, but I can suddenly imagine what it's like. Even though I'm fully aware that it's me speaking inside my head while thinking it feels like it's another part of me that I don't want to have. The sick part that tries to convince me I'll always be sick and that nothing matters. I managed to win over my monster today and I sat down to paint this image that I've been waiting to do for weeks.
It's such a sad and dark image, but while drawing it I felt so happy and calm. She's hollow, like a withered tree scarred by the winter. Putting the destructive and sad parts of my mind into images helps me because when I get it out it leaves my mind for a while and lets me rest. If all those thoughts are allowed to hide in there they just grow and grow.
I think I'll have to fight this battle every day for as long as I live, but I know it's not always this difficult. It will get easier with time and eventually I'll look upon this time and smile at the thought that I didn't let the monster consume me after all. Instead I could create a monster in art. Or rather a very disturbingly dark ghost of a faerie. Constructive instead of destructive.