Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hollow

Sometimes my thoughts scare me. The destructive, manipulative and horrible thoughts that are so difficult to control. It's like having an abusive and very smart monster in your head that constantly tries to convince you the worst is about to happen. That everything is hopeless and you might as well just give up.

When this monster sleeps I can look at it with disgust and I just don't understand how my mind can work like it does. I don't suffer from multiple personality disorder, but I can suddenly imagine what it's like. Even though I'm fully aware that it's me speaking inside my head while thinking it feels like it's another part of me that I don't want to have. The sick part that tries to convince me I'll always be sick and that nothing matters. I managed to win over my monster today and I sat down to paint this image that I've been waiting to do for weeks.

It's such a sad and dark image, but while drawing it I felt so happy and calm. She's hollow, like a withered tree scarred by the winter. Putting the destructive and sad parts of my mind into images helps me because when I get it out it leaves my mind for a while and lets me rest. If all those thoughts are allowed to hide in there they just grow and grow.

I think I'll have to fight this battle every day for as long as I live, but I know it's not always this difficult. It will get easier with time and eventually I'll look upon this time and smile at the thought that I didn't let the monster consume me after all. Instead I could create a monster in art. Or rather a very disturbingly dark ghost of a faerie. Constructive instead of destructive.

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