Saturday, November 17, 2012

Exploitation

So, how should I begin? I want to be able to describe my last couple of months in words. The whole of last year actually. I'll probably have to write a whole book to be able to explain it all. Well well, a blog is not a place to go into the ugly little details.

I made this very dark, dramatic image yesterday. A photo manipulation. Half photo and half painting. I don't usually go very far with my darker artwork just to avoid making it too exaggerated. Well, I just couldn't help myself this time. I've been so filled with anxiety, pain, anger and disappointment that I needed to pour it all out somehow.

I already knew I was a troubled girl. Self destructive and emotional. What I didn't know was how some people find the most subtle ways to exploit this. Self sacrifice, pleasing others, never letting my anger show, unleashing all that hate upon myself and then leaning onto those I trust, hoping that they will be able to carry me while I can't carry myself.

I've met both kinds. The ones who care and give out of love and those who care and give in order to get something back. The sort of people who demand something in return and when you can't pay up anymore you are discarded like a used condom. Filled with filth and left in the trash. Oh oh, how disgusting and dramatic! Well yeah, that's how it is. I could come up with other metaphors or simply write the truth about what makes me so upset, but it would be a bit too much to reveal.

I'm smiling now though because I've realized just how fucked up things have been and by realizing that I can quit blaming myself and actually bite back. I should start writing that book now. No worries, the usual smiley cute-loving enmi is still here. Bittersweet right?

4 comments:

  1. Every time I came over here, my heart breaks a little. Yet I keep coming, hoping that some day you will be better.
    I just wanted you to know that there are people out there who understand how you feel.

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    1. <3 Thank you. Things will be better soon, I'm going to make it through all of this. A part of it is to release it in text. :) Thank you for keeping on reading despite how sad it all is.

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    2. It's not a big deal, really. But I'm glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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