Saturday, November 17, 2012
I made this very dark, dramatic image yesterday. A photo manipulation. Half photo and half painting. I don't usually go very far with my darker artwork just to avoid making it too exaggerated. Well, I just couldn't help myself this time. I've been so filled with anxiety, pain, anger and disappointment that I needed to pour it all out somehow.
I already knew I was a troubled girl. Self destructive and emotional. What I didn't know was how some people find the most subtle ways to exploit this. Self sacrifice, pleasing others, never letting my anger show, unleashing all that hate upon myself and then leaning onto those I trust, hoping that they will be able to carry me while I can't carry myself.
I've met both kinds. The ones who care and give out of love and those who care and give in order to get something back. The sort of people who demand something in return and when you can't pay up anymore you are discarded like a used condom. Filled with filth and left in the trash. Oh oh, how disgusting and dramatic! Well yeah, that's how it is. I could come up with other metaphors or simply write the truth about what makes me so upset, but it would be a bit too much to reveal.
I'm smiling now though because I've realized just how fucked up things have been and by realizing that I can quit blaming myself and actually bite back. I should start writing that book now. No worries, the usual smiley cute-loving enmi is still here. Bittersweet right?