So honestly, I have no idea who I am. I know for a fact that I've had problems with myself all my life. It's just that these problems come and go. New ones come in, they change and I change along with them. One thing is for certain though. While I'm in one stage I always think that I'll stay that way forever but no. So what do the medical professionals think about this messed up brain of mine? They are the ones that are supposed to know how to measure these things in numbers, smart words and with long experience in science and psychology. The thing is though, they never seem to agree with each other. As a result they are just as confused as I am and I end up stuck in the middle of all these doctors, nurses, friends and family members that have different opinions about "what" I am. So where does this lead? Well, to a whole list of diagnoses of various mental disorders. Yay?!
This is what the doctors say:
Depressive personality disorder
Bipolar type 2
Emotionally unstable personality disorder (Borderline)
General anxiety disorder
Social anxiety disorder
So, what to make of all that? Right now I just feel like they should include a new diagnosis into their book. "Emmy disorder". How on earth am I supposed to make some kind of order in my brain out of all these disorders I have? The most difficult part of this whole thing is that nobody I talk to seems to agree with everything. One doctor says I only have one of these problems while another say i have a mix of them all. Some react almost with anger because they don't think some diagnosis is appropriate for me at all.
Funny fact in all this: As a result of many of these disorders I tend to rely a lot on what others think of me and what they tell me. So when one person tells me that I'm borderline and another say I'm ADD and they disagree with each other I'm just standing there in confusion and have no idea what to think.
The thing I get so upset about is how all these different people I talk to just claim that their version is the truth. No matter what I say after that doesn't matter. One thing they forget however is that I don't show every side of myself to everybody. I don't think anybody does. One week I can be stuck in my home, afraid to even pick up the phone. The next week I might go out alone to a club with the sudden impulse to find a one-night-stand. Yes, these are true examples from recent time. I can also wake up feeling really happy and creative and then a few hours later I feel like the world is collapsing and I want to die. I don't understand myself and clearly nobody else understands either. So... who am I? Nobody knows.
An enigma and a huge mess of faerie-tales mixed with mental issues.