Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Who am I?

I'm usually pretty sure about who I am. I have certain things I've always loved and they are a part of my core as a person. Animals, beautiful images, stories and faerie-tales. Outside of those things I have no clue what-so-ever because it seems like everything about me keeps shifting back and forth. Endlessly happy and confident to hopelessly sad and frightened. Sometimes a mix of both and then everything in between.

So honestly, I have no idea who I am. I know for a fact that I've had problems with myself all my life. It's just that these problems come and go. New ones come in, they change and I change along with them. One thing is for certain though. While I'm in one stage I always think that I'll stay that way forever but no. So what do the medical professionals think about this messed up brain of mine? They are the ones that are supposed to know how to measure these things in numbers, smart words and with long experience in science and psychology. The thing is though, they never seem to agree with each other. As a result they are just as confused as I am and I end up stuck in the middle of all these doctors, nurses, friends and family members that have different opinions about "what" I am. So where does this lead? Well, to a whole list of diagnoses of various mental disorders. Yay?!

This is what the doctors say:
Depressive personality disorder
Bipolar type 2
Emotionally unstable personality disorder (Borderline)
General anxiety disorder
Social anxiety disorder

So, what to make of all that? Right now I just feel like they should include a new diagnosis into their book. "Emmy disorder". How on earth am I supposed to make some kind of order in my brain out of all these disorders I have? The most difficult part of this whole thing is that nobody I talk to seems to agree with everything. One doctor says I only have one of these problems while another say i have a mix of them all. Some react almost with anger because they don't think some diagnosis is appropriate for me at all. 

Funny fact in all this: As a result of many of these disorders I tend to rely a lot on what others think of me and what they tell me. So when one person tells me that I'm borderline and another say I'm ADD and they disagree with each other I'm just standing there in confusion and have no idea what to think. 

The thing I get so upset about is how all these different people I talk to just claim that their version is the truth. No matter what I say after that doesn't matter. One thing they forget however is that I don't show every side of myself to everybody. I don't think anybody does. One week I can be stuck in my home, afraid to even pick up the phone. The next week I might go out alone to a club with the sudden impulse to find a one-night-stand. Yes, these are true examples from recent time. I can also wake up feeling really happy and creative and then a few hours later I feel like the world is collapsing and I want to die. I don't understand myself and clearly nobody else understands either. So... who am I? Nobody knows. 

An enigma and a huge mess of faerie-tales mixed with mental issues. 


  1. waaah - it happened similarly when I went to different health centres and hospital type places - all of the professionals said different things and then one psychologist picked a medication out of a big dictionary type book and decided to prescribe me it... that was weird.

    I hope you can feel less confused about who and what and all that ! Or is it nice that you are not rigidly defined? In any case, it is wonderful to hear from you and I hope that you are feeling alright today xxx

  2. I dunno sweetie. I think the mental care system in Scandinavia tend to over diagnose people. The mind and soul is a complicated thing.. So.. howcome does it just take 2-3 meetings with a patient for about 45-60 minutes to diagnose someone? Just like you say, we don't show every side of us to everyone.

    We all have different sides of us, and that's just natural. At work you're a colleague and a artist. At your mom's you are the eldest daughter. With me, you are my dearest friend with a bunch of colours! And on your own, you are... You. All the sides you experience is you, maybe you just have to figure out what you can accept as part of your self and who you want to be, and what things you want to work on not having any more. If that makes sense.

    Life's strange and mysterious! And I don't think any of us really know who the whole of us are. We just try to live and be happy. :)

    1. To me it rather feels like I've been underdiagnosed before. My problems have been waved off with simple answers and explanations instead of looking deeper than the obvious.

      These diagnoses were set on me, not based on what my doctors thoughts and opinions of me but all the pages and lists of questions I got to answer. I answered honestly and with more clarity than ever. My answers resulted in these diagnoses and the mix of them describes my problems perfectly and explains what is what and how I can change so rapidly back and forth.

      A diagnose to me doesn't feel like a judgement or simplification. It's a summary. I wouldn't be me without them. I just didn't know their names until now.