Sunday, December 2, 2012
All this chaos and confusion has led me to this point. I don't care if this happiness is just another symptom of my disease. I am happy, I am energetic, I am full of confidence and ideas. I love it!
While having this extra amount of everything, I feel that I can think more clearly too. Since I know more now about how my brain functions I can foresee things in my own behavior and avoid the things I know lead to bad places and enhance the things I know are good for me. Reclaiming myself to put it simply.
Being a person who constantly shifts in moods and self-image is really time consuming and tiresome. I know for a fact that I will fall back down into hopeless apathy again, because it's a part of a chronic mental illness, but just knowing that it will happen helps me to deal with the fear of that. Right now I feel so alive and awesome for real. I want to be able to remember that next time depression hits. I hope it takes years and years before that happens, but by that time I will be able to re-read this and know for a fact that the awful shit goes away and what comes after is amazing. Sometimes you drop down so low there is nothing left. When the way up begins again it is the most beautiful experience ever. Not talking about a struggle of positive thinking and fighting here. I mean the actual, real sensation that you start feeling lighter and happier again, for real. I might have an illness that sends me to the lowest pit of hell sometimes, but it also makes me able to fly as if I was high on the most potent party drug ever. Except it's free and legal. (Wouldn't know though. Pugs not drugs!)