Friday, November 30, 2012

skinny little bitch knife

Ok, so this is harsh, I know. But if you know me or have followed my blog for some time you know that I'm a huge fan of both fluffy cuteness and scary, bloody brutality. Last night I had so much energy and felt fueled by raging, empowering music and good action movies. I wanted to get that out into art. Make a character image of who I feel like while in a manic revenge-rage. No, I would never consider attacking someone with a knife, so don't worry. That is what art is for. Imagination is awesome.

I looked through my old Deadzone artwork and noticed how much I learned through those character designs and action drawings. I still love the idea of Deadzone. The project was put on ice since it was a collaboration between me and my boyfriend at the time and it's just not very easy to work on a creative and huge project with your ex. At some point Deadzone might come alive again. Nothing is impossible.

This character would fit right into that zombie apocalypse London mess. Probably a half-crazy, sadistic bitch who laughs at all the wrong places. I love getting into this frenzy of creativity and I hope it gets to last long this time. I know it's because I'm heading into a hypomanic episode but that doesn't make it less enjoyable. I ride along with my insane emotional rollercoaster and try not to fall off. Medication is my seatbelt.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dusty

Almost exactly two years ago, me and my friend Gabriella made a school project that we named Elysion. We were a team of four but from what it felt like, this project was me and Gabriella pouring all of our souls into one 10-week long project that would sum up our tastes in art. A movie to show emotions, beauty and horror all in one. It was a really emotional experience and despite being a school-project we went in for it with heart and soul. The goal of the project was to create a trailer that would show gameplay for a made-up game of our own imagination. The actual game part wasn't all that important to us, so it's more of a story forced into game format.

I'd love to see it come to life as an actual game at some point, but I doubt that would ever happen. I am really happy to just re watch this now, two years after that cold November when we dreamed up this girl Dusty.

The story is about a girl who has a life threatening disease. A non-specific disease, it doesn't matter what kind. She fears it, hates it and is intrigued by it at the same time. As a result of her condition and imaginative mind she ends up half-way between reality and her own fantasy world. Here she meets the physical image of the disease that plagues her. Growing from her like a tree with blood red leaves. Beautiful, haunting and horrifying all at once. She tries to find herself, reach out to her disease. We'll never know how it ends.

This movie was very symbolic back then, and now more than ever do I feel like we actually accomplished the portrayal of ambivalence towards disease. Something that I'm currently and always in the middle of. Full credits at the end of the movie. Me and Gabriella collaborated on concept design and direction. She made all of the animations while I painted all the textures and modeled Dusty and her Disease. Now I'm gonna go ahead and watch it again.



Sunday, November 25, 2012

You have consumed me

 My little lamb, your tears make me hungry
Make sure they don't stain me while you cry
You say you feel pain, let me show you real pain
You are going to love it I'm sure
I confess I'm a wolf and I know you can't resist
It is in your nature to be consumed after all
I will stay with you while there is meat on your bones
Lick you clean while I tell you I am sorry
You will fade away and I will find a new lamb
I will leave you and you will disappear

No she said
I am heiress to the skin 
The wolf that was you
I will wrap myself in it's terrifying embrace
You have consumed me
There are shreds that you forgot
Your crying lamb has become the wolf
I stained you and you turned weak
It is you who will fade away
I will leave you and you will disappear

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Who am I?

I'm usually pretty sure about who I am. I have certain things I've always loved and they are a part of my core as a person. Animals, beautiful images, stories and faerie-tales. Outside of those things I have no clue what-so-ever because it seems like everything about me keeps shifting back and forth. Endlessly happy and confident to hopelessly sad and frightened. Sometimes a mix of both and then everything in between.

So honestly, I have no idea who I am. I know for a fact that I've had problems with myself all my life. It's just that these problems come and go. New ones come in, they change and I change along with them. One thing is for certain though. While I'm in one stage I always think that I'll stay that way forever but no. So what do the medical professionals think about this messed up brain of mine? They are the ones that are supposed to know how to measure these things in numbers, smart words and with long experience in science and psychology. The thing is though, they never seem to agree with each other. As a result they are just as confused as I am and I end up stuck in the middle of all these doctors, nurses, friends and family members that have different opinions about "what" I am. So where does this lead? Well, to a whole list of diagnoses of various mental disorders. Yay?!

This is what the doctors say:
Depressive personality disorder
Bipolar type 2
Emotionally unstable personality disorder (Borderline)
ADD
General anxiety disorder
Social anxiety disorder
Dyscalculia 

So, what to make of all that? Right now I just feel like they should include a new diagnosis into their book. "Emmy disorder". How on earth am I supposed to make some kind of order in my brain out of all these disorders I have? The most difficult part of this whole thing is that nobody I talk to seems to agree with everything. One doctor says I only have one of these problems while another say i have a mix of them all. Some react almost with anger because they don't think some diagnosis is appropriate for me at all. 

Funny fact in all this: As a result of many of these disorders I tend to rely a lot on what others think of me and what they tell me. So when one person tells me that I'm borderline and another say I'm ADD and they disagree with each other I'm just standing there in confusion and have no idea what to think. 

The thing I get so upset about is how all these different people I talk to just claim that their version is the truth. No matter what I say after that doesn't matter. One thing they forget however is that I don't show every side of myself to everybody. I don't think anybody does. One week I can be stuck in my home, afraid to even pick up the phone. The next week I might go out alone to a club with the sudden impulse to find a one-night-stand. Yes, these are true examples from recent time. I can also wake up feeling really happy and creative and then a few hours later I feel like the world is collapsing and I want to die. I don't understand myself and clearly nobody else understands either. So... who am I? Nobody knows. 

An enigma and a huge mess of faerie-tales mixed with mental issues. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Exploitation

So, how should I begin? I want to be able to describe my last couple of months in words. The whole of last year actually. I'll probably have to write a whole book to be able to explain it all. Well well, a blog is not a place to go into the ugly little details.

I made this very dark, dramatic image yesterday. A photo manipulation. Half photo and half painting. I don't usually go very far with my darker artwork just to avoid making it too exaggerated. Well, I just couldn't help myself this time. I've been so filled with anxiety, pain, anger and disappointment that I needed to pour it all out somehow.

I already knew I was a troubled girl. Self destructive and emotional. What I didn't know was how some people find the most subtle ways to exploit this. Self sacrifice, pleasing others, never letting my anger show, unleashing all that hate upon myself and then leaning onto those I trust, hoping that they will be able to carry me while I can't carry myself.

I've met both kinds. The ones who care and give out of love and those who care and give in order to get something back. The sort of people who demand something in return and when you can't pay up anymore you are discarded like a used condom. Filled with filth and left in the trash. Oh oh, how disgusting and dramatic! Well yeah, that's how it is. I could come up with other metaphors or simply write the truth about what makes me so upset, but it would be a bit too much to reveal.

I'm smiling now though because I've realized just how fucked up things have been and by realizing that I can quit blaming myself and actually bite back. I should start writing that book now. No worries, the usual smiley cute-loving enmi is still here. Bittersweet right?

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Other worlds


To put it very simply I can say that my life has been turned upside down several times over and over just during these past weeks. I stayed at the hospital to try to recover from my depression and anxiety. Came home with a sense of new strength but it was too fragile and in the end I felt even worse than before. Forced to go back to that sterile, locked up environment it just felt as if there was no hope at all. Not even a tiny glimpse of hope and in the middle of it all my relationship didn't last. Alone, sick, sad and locked inside a hospital. I'm surprised my body didn't just die on its own considering how dead I felt.

I didn't die.

My beautiful mother came to visit me and she got me books to read. A Song of Ice and Fire. I had already seen the TV-series A Game of Thrones and I thought I might as well read the books. It was so long ago I actually read fantasy books and after some time of reading I fell right back into that feeling I used to have when I was younger and really flew away right into imagination. Now and then people have told me that I shouldn't escape reality like that. I've felt sad that these fantasy worlds I learn to love don't exist. I learned to forget about fantasy to avoid feeling that sad. Tsk tsk.... Silly!

I can honestly say that these books saved my life. Dramatic words yes, but true. While lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed, surrounded by all sorts of misery and ugly yellow walls I could escape reality and find myself again. When I describe it in words it might sound almost like some sort of religious experience, and yes! Thats kind of exactly what it feels like. I crushed the awful limit I had put upon myself because others told me to live in the "real world". That's bullshit actually. I live in the real world wether I want to or not and if I want to spend my time in reality by sinking into imagination and experience other worlds, what makes that wrong? Nothing at all. 

When I was a kid and brought my polar-teddybear to kindergarden I used to tell the other kids that he could talk. I didn't really mean talk like humans talk, but in my imagination he could talk all the time. I remember some girl made fun of me and said it wasn't real. I'm really proud of the tiny version of me that replied:

"It is real. In my imagination he talks and if I can imagine it, it is real. Maybe not for you, but it is real to me."

That memory came back to me and I want to say the same thing today. Imagination and reality are the same thing, because everything is real. I don't actually have to believe there are unicorns and werewolves out there, but if I can imagine them it doesn't matter at all. In imagination they are very real. I have a vivid sense of imagination and instead of trying to suppress that I should just embrace it. Obviously it makes me feel better. It is not an escape from reality, it is the art of building your own reality, wether it's in a book, a movie or in your own head. It's free.

I kind of write what's in my head right now and I suspect I sound more insane while trying to explain what makes me happy than I do while I'm actually sick. It doesn't matter. I just needed to get the words out of my head. Now I'll go make myself a huge cup of tea and dive right back into other worlds.