Saturday, January 5, 2013

Not givin' a flyin' fokk!

Ok, so what I first thought was hypomania is still sticking around and I suspect this is what normal people experience when they feel happy and good about themselves. It's kind of surreal to think that my entire personality has been hidden under a thick layer of sticky depression-dust! It feels as if someone sprayed me with a fire-hose to get rid of all that shit and what was underneath is... me!

I used to have absolutely no self-esteem, be scared of all social interaction, terrified of rejection and I felt sort of like the ugliest duckling in the entire dirty pond. I really really wish everyone could feel the way I do now because honestly, it's like I'm high on every kind of drug that makes you happy, confident and able to appreciate the good things in life, without the nasty side effects, the cost or the fact that the cops might get offended.

I really love myself now, for the first time in my life and not in that narcissistic way, just in a way that makes me able to walk out and be myself without caring if anyone judges me. I'm the cuddly sweet unicorn-loving girl mixed with a wild and crazy badass now. I know, I'm kind of talking like I'm so full of myself my eyes are popping out, but I don't care. Know why? Because I deserve to feel this good, and so do you! In Sweden we have this silly unwritten rule (that really originates from Norway) that you shouldn't think you're actually good or important in any way. Who do you think you are? - sort of. Well, kind of exactly like that. For people with low self esteem that unwritten rule is a lifestyle and it's so self destructive that every time I hear someone talk down on someone else or judging people because they act the way they want to, I just want to smash some faces. Violence isn't good though, just when it's playful brawling with friends.

I always used to feel like I didn't have any friends, or that my friends probably thought I was annoying. Shitty childhood "friends" made me think this was normal. Now I'm starting to meet a lot of new people and also realizing the people I already knew actually do like me. I never ever dared to even think that people might like me. I was so scared that they just pretended to like me because they didn't want to be rude. I know I'm intense and I know I sometimes talk so fast and say things that are completely random or inappropriate but I'm never rude on purpose. I would never want to harm anyone because I've felt like shit. Wouldn't want ANYONE to feel so shitty. Not even Hitler. Besides, I think Hitler would have been a much nicer guy if he felt happier.

Yeah, my brain. Uuh, I kind of forgot my point in all this. Oh yah! I LOVE YOU! All my friends, old and new. You are all awesome and you've saved my life a million times over just by existing. Take that! Lovebomb!

6 comments:

  1. I'm your friend :) You couldn't scare me away because I'm too busy scaring everyone else away. :P Glad to see you're happy. I look forward to a day like this if it ever comes.

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  2. Waaah, such a nice post. Thank you. I hope I can join you in the happy times! You're great! And it's motivating to read stuff like this :) I will try my best...

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    1. It's not really about trying, it's about stop trying and be all like: HEY! Fokk all the sad stuff that brings me down. I'll bring the sad stuff down by punching it in the face with my own awesome. That worked wonders for me :3

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  3. Cause we are all hanging out being bad ass and stuff. right?
    <.<
    >.>
    Hopefully more soon anyway!

    Woo drivers license wooo.

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    1. We are badass fo sho! We don't even have to try. We were born that way!

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