Thursday, February 21, 2013

by trying so hard not to

what happens to us if we accept that i'm unfixable?
it's okay it's okay it's okay i didn't know what i said

i'm so afraid to tell you
this isn't what I'm used to

Elite Gymnastics - Here in Heaven

My two latest pieces have felt like pouring so many very true emotions out. I don't think I've really been able to convey the exact emotion I feel in my paintings before. It's a very helpfull process to sit by myself, listening to music that sets the mood and then really step into my art. 

This picture means a whole lot to me and I struggled to get the exact expressions right. I wanted to convey sadness, fear but most of all hope and safety. It's a very complex mix of emotions to have and it's even more complex to get right in a painting. 

Recently I've been going through so many different emotions that it feels overwhelming sometimes but the difference from before is that my emotions feel genuine instead of sick like they did before. When I cry I cry real tears. When I feel worried I am genuinely worried and when I'm happy I can actually feel real happiness. The fact that they feel so real is kind of surreal in itself. Real is a feeling.

So, to tell the story behind this image without exposing too much detail, it originates from my past fears interferring with how I act and think today even though I try really hard not to let it affect me. Not used to trusting people, not used to feeling safe and genuinely loved for who I am and not just who I appear to be while trying to please others. It's very scary to expose your true self like that after never showing it to anyone. Besides, whenever I have really shown myself to those I have trusted in the past I have had to deal with the fact that most can't handle it. They turn away when they realize some things can't be fixed. Most things don't have to be fixed at all. All I need is to know that the people I love stay by my side no matter what my mind is doing to me. Being the safe foundation to rely on in case I start feeling scared again.

Oh, wow, yeah... This is really packed with feels. The thing I'm trying to say though is that I think I'm starting to learn that there are people like this out there. That I can be who I really am without having to fear being abandoned. So despite this being a very sad image I hope it shows that it's really a very hopeful one. 


  1. This is probably my favourite piece I have seen from you. I don't know what else to say other than it's great to read this post to know that you can trust your feelings as genuine (I don't know if I am making sense). We all think you are great as you are, whatever you want to be :)

    1. It makes perfect sense to me! ^_^ <3 It's a complex state of mind to be in, but it feels reeally good right now. I miss you! I have to make time to catch up on all the things!

    2. sooon! Maybe I'll send you something pretty ;)