e.l.esdee - speed paint
I've been going through so many changes during the past couple of months. I'm still in the middle of it all and it feels like time is flowing by so fast. I feel really good about life and where I'm going. I feel like I obtain a new High Score of happiness every day that goes by. This has made me go out more, see things, be with friends and just enjoy every little bit of life since I haven't been able to do that before. I've been glued to my computer, alone in bed, feeling all miserable and sad.
So while feeling better than ever I am also kind of disconnected to the world outside of where my actual person is. I'm online but I rarely chat with people anymore. I forget to answer texts because I don't look at my phone very often and I check my mail once ever three days or so. That's intentional on my part since I want to reduce stress levels caused by trying to keep track of online socializing. I really don't mean anything by it and I love all my friends, even those who aren't close physically. I just can't keep up with the pace of online communication anymore and honestly, I don't want to. I want to be able to have casual contact with the people I love without feeling bad if I don't reply within a minute of a text. Oddly enough people seem to worry a whole lot if I don't reply. They know I feel great and that my life is really sweet right now and they still act as if I had been run over by a car or if I suddenly hate them or don't care because I can't write that often.
Honestly, it makes me both sad and stressed out because I have no bad intentions at all. I don't deliberately ignore people. I just want to be able to choose when I can spend time by the computer and when I want alone-time, doing IRL stuff. To me, friendship is way more than texts and e-mails. It feels natural to me to have a conversation and then there might be months of silence before talking again. You can just pick it up with no worries because you know there are no bad intentions from the internet silence. At least that's how I see it, but I worry that people might think I ignore them on purpose. I'm not. Really, I just want to be free and do whatever I want without having to explain or tell everyone where I am at all hours of the day. I'm fine, I haven't been run over by a car and I still love you. Okay? Chill the grill.