Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Oh...ok, it's alright.

I've truly been so calm and happy these past months since I came out of the hospital. My entire life has changed and I feel like I'm strong enough to handle anything now. I think I confused this strenght with being indestructible but it's not the same thing. Now and then I feel just as fragile and weak as I did bad then and I get scared every time because I really don't want to go back to that state of mind.

I painted this picture to get all of the pain and anxiety out. The comments I've recieved on DA really reflect what I wanted to convey with this image. People don't know wether they love it or hate it. Someone said they didn't even want to look at it again despite really liking the artwork in itself. People have asked what the story is and I didn't feel sure I wanted to write about it openly since I've put a lot of that shit behind me but now that I've thought more about it I'm not that scared to share anymore. Since it's behind me I can let it out freely.

I won't go into detail but the feelings I put into this picture has a lot to do with abuse, both physical and emotional that I've suffered through during different parts of my life. All that hurt and the fear, sadness and anger. The title describing the words I've always used during those times of crying when at the same time trying to assure the person who hurt me that it's ok. It's never been ok though.

The only pain I still feel about these difficult times in the past is the pain of being so angry that I can barely contain it. I can't get it out at the people who deserve to hear how they hurt me because it's in the past. I wouldn't gain anything from talking to them now. I don't want to think about them. But I won't ever say that things are ok again if they aren't. I'll never put up with that sort of abuse again and every time I catch myself putting other peoples emotions before my own I will look back on this image and remember that taking care of my own feelings is more important than anything. This is something everyone would do well to remember. It's not being selfish, it's about survival really. Nobody will thank you in the end if you just let people step on you while you push your own needs away over and over. In the end you'll sit there regretting not speaking up. Feeling like a fool for suffering so long while nobody really knew just how bad things were. I can't really speak about what I've been through, not with friends and not even my family because it upsets them too much. While hearing me out they start to feel that same pain and anger and they can't handle it. I can't blame them for that. I just hope they understand why I sometimes need to let it out. I carry that anger and pain every day even though it shrinks away more and more. At some point I'll be able to let it go for real.

It's actually ok now, for real. I'm alright. I'm happy even though I cry sometimes. 


  1. I feel a like that a lot (although it seems perhaps or probably not to the same intensity). It's good to hear that you're doing ok at the moment, and that you are able to use your personal art as an outlet. I hope that we can all keep to this advice about not putting other people ahead of us all the time.