Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Handle with care

I've come a long way in growing stronger, building up my self esteem and my own willpower. I'm fucking proud of myself for having survived so much shit that has repeatedly bashed my mental health to the ground. People know this because I've been very open with my problems and how I work as a person. I've never asked for special treatment but I've wanted my friends and family to know that my mental health is fragile and that I might actually break, for real, in case something happens that triggers it and sends me back into that state of mind.

I recently blogged about my borderline issues and I've come far with learning how to deal with them. I'm happy I managed to get so far because these last few weeks I've needed all of that newly built strenght to get through dissapointment, rejection, misunderstandings and being left with a broken heart. This happens to people, it's life and it hurts for everybody. The thing I think people forget sometimes though is that I'm not an average normal person. Heart break and sadness is difficult for everybody but for people with mental health issues as severe as mine, these things can actually be deadly. Think about it like a severe food allergy. You feel fine as long as you don't eat those peanuts but if you accidentally happen to get some into your system you might actually die. Now imagine the same thing but with affection and love. My combination of ADHD, Borderline and Bipolar type 2 is difficult to manage without having hopes crushed and without feeling rejected and fooled. Lets look at some statistics and facts here so you can understand that it's not an exaggeration I've made up myself.

Borderline: The suicide rating in BPD-patients is between 8-10% and especially while trying to cope with the sense of rejection which can actually be lethal in this case.

Bipolar type 2: As many as 50% of Bipolar type 2 patients will at some point in their lives attempt suicide and this mental illness is the third most common cause of death in 15-24 year olds. It's a deadly chronic mental illness that I try to cope with every day.

Now add those two together and you have quite a fragile mind to handle. I'm doing everything I can in order to strenghten it. I've come so far and I have felt so much stronger in myself since I came out of the hospital, got answers to why I am the way I am and also the right medical treatment. I don't think about myself as mentally ill, but I am. I realize this while trying to cope with difficult levels of emotional stress. People who get close to me should know this, and I always tell them the risks involved. I try to be careful, both for my own good and for those who I get close to since the ones I really love also has the ability to hurt me the most even if they don't do it deliberately. People can't walk on eggshells around me and I can't walk around in life with a safety helmet on to avoid all possible danger. I've tried all my life but it just doesn't work that way. I'm not asking for anything other than some empathy and for people to at least attempt to understand how serious this actually is. I've had to go through some of the most intense emotional trials these past weeks and I haven't been able to show up at work every day. I think any other person in my particulary complicated and messy situation would feel bad. Then imagine that with my mental problems and you'll hopefully understand that when I stay home from work to cure myself from heart break it's not just because I need to relax and recover. I actually have to fight for my fucking life and that's not an exaggeration or an attempt to gain extra sympathy. Just understanding. Every time I manage to get through a day at these anxiety levels without harming myself or actually making reality out of irrational suicidal thoughts is a huge success for me. I know it might be impossible for some to relize that when I say I'm fighting for my life that is the brutal truth and not just the words of a rejected girl. Heart break might actually make my heart stop if I don't get the time to mend it. I can deal with it on my own, but I need time and I need to be handled with care for a while.

The reason why I write this is because while going through this phase I've gotten to hear smart words such as : "Well you should have seen this coming" or "It's your own fault for trusting him." and "I thought you were stronger than this" and of course the classic: "just get over it."

As an answer to all of that I want to say: I am strong. I'm a fucking super hero of mental strenght for managing to survive this shit. Don't blame me for trusting and loving someone and don't tell me it's my own fault. If I never dared to get close to anyone I'd have to accept a life of lonely bitterness and I refuse to stop hoping to meet someone who won't let me down. I'll keep fighting this battle in my mind. Just give me the time and I'll heal my own wounds. Just don't fucking pour salt into them without second thought. Thanks for your consideration.


  1. I've sort of been watching from a distance at how much you have changed from when I first started talking to you. Just reading your blog I can tell that you've become a much stronger person. I'm happy for you :) You deserve the strength you have and I wish you well for the future.

  2. I really love your blog. It's so inspiring to read how strong you are and how much stuff you have to cope with, and you survive it all! + I love your art! ^^