Friday, March 22, 2013

Ready Made American Pancake Mix

If I can be truthful, which I know I can. You told me to always tell the truth. You would do the same. I'll have to admit I sometimes lied in those conversations. Trying to make it feel better than it did. You haven't yet revealed your own lies. They don't need to come out I feel them anyway. I felt them from the start, soaking my lips like strawberry poison. It was easy to steal me away. I have always wished to be stolen anyway. I surrendered from the start. No. I surrendered even before I dared to look at your eyes. When I did they were kind. That scared me more than anything. It scares me even today. Like a frightened rabbit willingly choking in your embrace. Those arms of yours. They are so very long. They'd reach around me twice, tickling victimize. Like the lions in the fairy tales you'd feel strong and safe. You can pretend that to be the truth but you will always know. In Real Life the lions shred your skin. And you were no lion at all, you were just a boy. I blamed myself for being so frightened. It didn't make no sense. But of course it did. Sometimes worrying is justified. As if feelings obeyed any laws. I tried to scratch them all away. Imagining the lions claws. So you see what I did. It's ok it's ok. I didn't know what I said. I don't want you to know. But I want you to know. I want them all to know. That I am going to break. Don't leave me. Please just don't. Stahp. I didn't say those words. I never did. I didn't even say those words when my mind played them on repeat in my head. Like the songs you used to send. Giggling little links of secrets. Independent words making a sentence. I want you I want you. That is what I heard. That is what I felt. You know why? Because just like our songs, your arms held hidden messenges. Be safe but know this: Child I will hurt you. I'm not in love. Our crystal castle never got to be. It was all in my head again, what the hell was I thinking? Happy endings just aren't realistic. Maso-fucking-chistic. Well you know I've always liked pain. You sure know I've suffered enough. You knew it from the start because I told you straight from my heart. Like a textbook cliché I poured myself out. Let the entire world watch as I fell apart. Hope they witness as I built myself up again. But fixed things don't always fix. Just like our Ready Made American Pancake Mix. I knew it was the last time. I had already given up. Kept the lies alive by risking my own life. I saw it you know. I know you do because you looked nervous when I did. The end credits of Stand By Me. That familiar song played only for a brief moment but it was enough. Moments and time all blur to me. Couldn't see straight. Couldn't think straight. But we watched that movie a week ago? Did you watch it again? I said like a joke self harm choke. It all became so close you know? I could see the blanket on your bed. The one that made me pure like binary. I knew you hadn't spent your nights alone with that blanket. I knew because you had spent them with me. But like zeros and ones your code made no sense to me. Dyscalculia is a bitch. I had the answers now. By telling lies like truths I had cheated on your test. Like you cheated on me. You fell in love on me. Like you fell in love on that blanket. But you didn't fall in love with me. You just fell inside of me. You found your princess in another crystal castle. Tell me what to swallow I'll believe anything. I know you'd never hurt me I'll pretend to be just fine. Then maybe you will realize this was all just a dream. Speaking about dreams I told you about mine. I'd write them down with scribbled little letters. Resting between your arms. We'd think it, talk it, laugh it out. Our movie nights gave me such cute ideas. We'd watch Lolita and I'd feel just like her. Only you wouldn't be like him. No no that would have been insane. No I knew you didn't look at me that way and I could pretend anyway. We'd build imaginary tents and become runaways like Sam and Suzy. Make fearsome animal hats and roar as we charged. We'd go into the forest and glow like trippy stars. I rested in those plans. Summer/Spring 2013. We'd be /fa/shionable and #swag. We wouldn't have had to brag. They would all be able to see. See that you were just like me. And I was just like you. But it didn't feel like that to you. Well that was what you said. But wait...No. You did tell me that. You said I felt so much like you that hurting me would feel like hurting yourself. You didn't hurt yourself. That's my thing, you can't have it. You walked away a winner. With that smile you had when you came up with another mean joke. I laughed at them all, you know I did. I thought them all funny since they were innocent. I knew you loved my lovely lumps. We'd laugh about your cheesy humour. You'd buy me cheezedoodles just to feed me noodles. But I was never your fangirl. I told you from the start. I told you not to break my heart. I didn't lie when I said I'd die. Look it up, it's on wikipedia. I knew I was strong and I didn't need your attention. We didn't need each other we were happy alone. But that was the thing, together you are less alone. We'd do it all together and you'd have my back. But I put some trust in you and landed on my head. I tried to do handstands for you I tried to do headstands for you but every time I fell on you. Every time I fell. Changed from pink to black and blue for you. Got holes in my new jeans for you. Sharing is caring didn't you know? Like we promised to share our secrets. At least the ones that'd hurt. You said you needed some time alone and I knew to back away. I felt a bit embarrassed but I pushed that fear away. Of course you wouldn't have her there you wouldn't even dare. When I found out it was through your friend. They had the days mixed up but all the facts where straight. Straight to anxiety attacks and hide it with a smile. It wasn't as if anything had happened, you had just fallen asleep. Was I ok with that? Of course I was, I'm always ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. But nah that just didn't work. I crashed down like a sad picture on a paper airplane. Pretty useless and only fun a while. You used those pretty lies again or maybe misused truths. Recycled lines to convince me to yield. Convince me to be ok. To be ok with your attachment issues and your self righteous way of life. You always were quite pretentious and that always made you proud. I thought it was quite cute until it wasn't anymore. I guess you grew uncomfortable with me like I grew uncomfortable with your eyes. I tried not to look and I tried not to care. But that took me nowhere. Why should I feel ashamed? What is shameful in feeling surreal after feeling so real? I tried to make you a mix tape. But I always changed my mind. You didn't deserve my cute hipster gifts. I spent the last of my money and care on the gas for that rented car. I think you should feel ashamed but I won't tell you what to do. I never did before so why bother now? I let you fall in love on me. I even helped you out. Out the door. Carrying two boxes that did belong to you. One a secret pink box full of cinnamon and drugs. One a box full of hugs. We had planned to eat them together and I bought them for us. I wanted to do it like we used to do it, do it all night. Ready Made American Pancake Mix. Mix Mix Mix my tape up.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, love how this is written - I got caught after only a few sentences and - oblivious to it - put my spoon down, stopped eating and just read. I want to read it again. I recognize myself in some of it - I've been there to. Hard memories surfaced, but it's nice - to ponder over it, feel how long ago it was and that I'm not there anymore, it's over. Thanks :)

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  2. A lot of these sentences have been spinning around in my head for weeks and months. I needed to get them all out. Things I wish I had said and things I wish I would have done differently. <3

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  3. It's also filled with hidden messenges, references and quotes from chat logs as well as songs.

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