Monday, January 27, 2014

But perhaps I could...?

I'm sick of waiting for my life to begin
It sucks to sit and wish for the good things to happen
Perhaps I could...?
No, no I couldn't, it's too hard. 
But.. Maybe? Maybe it's not?

I have all the ideas, all the plans I just...
I procrastinate too much, I never get it done.
WTF tho? Nobody can stop me from doing it!
I won't let them stop me.
My parents. My boss. My teachers.
Always demands, gotta work, gotta study but...
They´re not exactly stopping me from anything.
When I think about it people actually encourage me.
Who's stopping me then?
I hate that person!
Who dares to tell me what I can and can't do?! 
Silly. I know I can draw that thing, write that novel if I..
If what? If I was better at it?
But I already know how to use a pen. 
Perhaps that is all I need?
Perhaps I should just try?
No.. not try. Just do.
But there is this block, a fence, a fucking brick wall.
Who built that wall?

Did I build it? But I want to be free!
Why did I do that to myself?
Why am I still doing it?
Why am I still questioning myself?
SHUT UP BRAIN!
You can't tell me i suck, you can't tell me I'm not good enough.
Eat shit and shut the fuck up you evil brain-monster.
I won't listen to you anymore. 
You're not allowed to tell me what to do, you´re just a part of MY body.
I decide what you think and then you can be there in my skull, sulking and complaining about how difficult everything is. I'm pretty darn awesome actually and I won't listen to you.

I'm gonna dream on and sit down right now and just do whatever I gawd daym please because I'm my own boss. So listen to me for a while, the dreaming creative and rather fragile person who can create wonderful things in my mind. That is me. That is who I am. Not later. I am that person, right now. I can accomplish my dreams, today.



Thank you all for commenting and just for reading my last post! I wanted to reply instantly but I kept myself from it because most of your words and reactions speak so well on their own. You can all relate and understand the thoughts when put into a long list sentences. You can also see what the problem is because you're pretty amazingly smart actually. You know that we block ourselves. We procrastinate because we are afraid of what might happen if we fail. What would people think of us? They'd probably just laugh and realize we´re frauds that can't actually do anything! SCARY! D:

But when you start thinking about it, has anyone actually told you that you suck, that you can't accomplish anything, that you're not good enough. Has anyone called you useless or encouraged you NOT to trust your heart and your dreams? If someone actually have said these things to you what did you think of this person? How did they make you feel? You sort of hate them right? Especially if it's someone close to you like your parents, a boyfriend or girlfriend. It makes you devastated, depressed and discouraged. It pushes you down to the bottom of the awful dramatic ocean of despair. You hate being there, it's awful. Blegh...

Why does it feel like those things are true then? Those thoughts of not being good enough or that you'll just fail if you even dare to try. Perhaps because there is someone saying these horrible things to you. 

It's you. 

To be continued later on. I loved reading your feelings and thoughts on my last post so I'd be even more super duper happy if you did the same thing on this post. It helps me when I write these random pseudo-psychological/philosophical  thoughts and theories.


9 comments:

  1. I get like this all the time. Just stuck in a spiral of "You're not good enough to be doing this" or "Don't bother chasing that because you will never be considered worthy"

    It helps a little knowing there's people out there suffering the same stuff who manage to pull through, it gives me a little hope that maybe one day I too, may pull through.

    Keep up the positivity though Enmi :)

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  2. Well I've pretty much been stuck in that phase since i left Uni? (högskolan) and after the rejection at an interview for a game development job I really wanted. I got so discouraged.... feeling like there's no point for me to continue trying cause that no was such a dream shattering moment that I am afraid of trying again.

    Hope I can kick myself back into control soon and stop feeling so ashamed and sad for/about that set back. And start believing in myself again.

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  3. Secretly you know that you are the one who blocks you in doing stuff, but well it is so easy to forget and unfortunately you cannot kill this person. I had and have this problem of procrastinating and low self esteem on some days and I sit around and think: why start? Why just even start? You will NEVER EVER be good enough. But you have to start,so you can fail and become better right?
    Dollyk you speak from my heart and mind, I need to kick myself into work again too and try to feel more confident about the things I do. But it is so hard to start again...

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  4. I think we only feel like this because we are afraid of moving on. Afraid of being better. Afraid of change.
    We just need a spark to begin.

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  5. Do you love yourself?

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  6. There’s Just that Trigger Waiting …

    Every day, ambition may wander
    There are things and those who will pick you up,
    Others that will force you to give up
    The planters and the antagonists, the weary and their inhabitants

    Forefront inspiration fights for successful continuation
    The bulwarks and combat within—this battle is not of flesh and skin
    The origins external, digging harmful burrows
    Attempting to purge the mentality, eliminate foundation and buds of the inner city

    Comments like fiery tridents,
    Procrastination infecting, reminiscent to atrophic poisons
    Unwise (usage of) time, neglect to defenses and progression
    Doubt fuels the resolve of each enemy agent

    They seep between the fortified walls, cleverly setting traps to stall
    Wrenches in the gears, generation of rusting tears
    Minefields in the corridors, the bulwark is slanting short
    When all their weapons come to bare



    Will you cower amongst shards of broken steel and glass,
    The shattered remnant of hope past
    Shining light and its people, shrouded in the misty abyss
    The binding chains of numbness, with fear securing the locks

    The enemy’s agents will drag you on, a purposeless husk,
    Mind dampened without the positivity of the sun
    Survivors lose their sparks,
    You may wither in the dark blankness, poniards of pain and reality all that lead you forward, or maybe just round a relentless circle?

    But what often lies in despair, waiting for courage to rise and ensnare,
    Rebellion, the will to reclaim and reconstruct
    The fortresses of ambition prior lost
    To engage in skirmish, bent on regaining our inspiration

    In the depths of gloom and uncertainty,
    There is a flare, patiently waiting, the burning signal of revolution
    Against the forces of inertness
    The igniting piece to restart the drive to live, not simply survive

    To overthrow the powers of depression,
    Fear, procrastination, self-doubt,
    All the wearisome factors and notions
    Fuel for the turmoil

    They can, every one of them, be shunned
    The abyss of the enemy, the turmoil of animosity, washed away
    You can rebuild, you can plot onwards
    You can bask once more in the embrace of the sun
    And one day, long and far in the possibility of bright future
    You might look back on truly living from this point,
    Escaping and purging the dark from all sight
    Realizing you fought the good fight

    You can grasp the signal weapon, the flare,
    Breathe the light of life,
    Into the bounds of the sky
    Let the stars return your cry

    There’s Just that Trigger Waiting

    ~ W

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  8. Your work is beautiful.
    Creation is struggle but the demons won't win, you are too powerful.
    Life is long and messy - it will come, just maybe not in the form you expect it.

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