Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hot strawberries

It's too hot outside today, I didn't expect that. I'm spending the day at G's place and we got ourselves strawberries and cold milk to chill ourselves a bit.

So now we´re just taking it easy and watching funny TV-shows while letting the window to be open. It's almost june, and the summer seems to really be here now.

I'm terribly confused and a bit over the place right now with my entire life in boxes and thoughts spinning in my head. I'll try to clear that out somehow.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Don't think

I'm in the middle of stress, chaos, anxiety and fear right now. That's not a very nice place to be in, but I guess thats normal when you´re about to finish school, start working, moving to a new place and possibly make huge changes in your life. It could turn out amazing, or it could all go to hell, and there is no way of knowing.

I just moved out of my apartment yesterday and I'm staying with J's parents for a few days before I've got all my school things settled. Then I'll be going down south too and after that, there is no way of knowing what will happen.

I've been told not to think too much, and right now that feels kind of amazing. I'll try to shut down my chaotic mind for a while and just be. Have some hope. The picture is a graffiti-tag made for Deadzone.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Poem by Sylvia Plath. Photography by Lise.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Internet problems!

Everything at home is chaos, all the movies are packed and... my internet company are having serious issues. This means I've pretty much lost contact with the rest of the world. I can't stay in touch with commission customers, I can't chat with friends and I can't blog. But hey, I'm blogging now, what is this? Well, I'm at J's office, stealing a computer to use for as long as I can.

I don't know when I will have a proper and stable connection but I'll survive somehow. The image in this post is made by J, check out his art-blog!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rare smile

I almost never smile in pictures. I think I look stupid. I'm trying to get over that, so now I'm showing you one of those rare smiles.

The last few days have been chaotic for my confused mind. A whole lot of things are changing in my life, and it's gotten me to think a lot. A whole lot, maybe too much thinking? Anyway, I've also learned things. Don't hold back on the things you are thinking, be honest with yourself and do what feels right for you, but don't make hasty decisions that may ruin everything you've ever worked for. Sounds obvious? Well, these are things I'll have to keep in mind in the future at least, and maybe we all need reminders now and then. I want to thank the friends that have supported me in my short and intense little breakdown and tell you all, I'm fine now. I'll try to smile a bit more. the future is looking bright and clear.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Going home

Today is the last day in the small house in the forest with Lise. It feels kind of sad, this has been a very sweet vacation with a lot of nice talking and just sitting around in the sun. I haven't been this relaxed in a long time and it's gotten me to think a lot. Both good and bad things. A bittersweet vacation indeed.

When I get home, real life take over again, and i have to finish school, pack my things for the move and make sure that everything works out as it should. It's a bit stressful, and to be honest I'm not looking forward to going home at all. But things will change from now on, and soon I'll be a full time working artist. No school, no pressure except for the need to create and sell my art. We'll see how that goes. Now I'll enjoy the last hours of relaxation before I take the train back home.

Friday, May 20, 2011

In the water

I've always wanted to do a photo shoot like this, but I didn't imagine myself as the model. It was quite scary to walk into the water since it got deep very fast and the ground to stand on was mud mixed with rotten branches and my feet would sink through. I almost fell and I couldn't help thinking about leeches! But anyway, I managed to do it and I'm really happy that I had my wonderful friend Lise there to photograph this. We managed to catch the sunset and it was a really nice adventure.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

We built a picnic fort today..

We built a picnic fort today. Blankets and sheets, balloons and cushions were gathered from all over the house and we built this little hideout where we ate waffles with strawberries and pretended we could play the guitar. I'm being very happy right now, and I'm trying to forget about all the stress and guilt I usually feel and just let myself lie down on the grass, eat a slice of watermelon and smile as the rain hit my face. We ran inside and now we´re probably gonna spend all evening and probably most of the night just wrapping ourselves up in blankets and drink hot tea. Perhaps some apple cider too? Who knows?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Slightly chaotic

So well, today was interesting, and slightly chaotic.. Me and Lise caught the train into the nearby city in order to buy some food and some wine for the evening. After finally deciding what kind we wanted I realized I had forgotten my drivers license at home and we weren't allowed to buy anything at all. Then when we got to the train station to go back home, defeated after our short debate with the woman behind the counter, we realized we had missed our train by three minutes.

We bought ourselves two cups of sweet latte and some vanilla rolls to cheer ourselves up while waiting for the next train. When the next train arrives we go onboard and get told that it won't go to our destination and that there will be no more trains there for the entire day. In a moment of panic I thought we would be forced to sleep outside because we couldn't get home, but we managed to find a bus.

Now we´re home at last, and Chessy only managed to kill a stuffed toy in desperate rage while we were gone. The rest of the evening will probably just be relaxing. We sure need it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Tasty calm

Me and Lise traveled along with the dog out to the forest where we are on cat guarding duty. Everything here is silence and calm. We can just relax, and drink tea, eat cookies and take loads and loads of pretty pictures. I also managed to hack my router into working here so we can both be online at the same time, something that we internet-addicts really enjoy!

We have no real plans, which is kind of nice. I guess we'll just take each day as it comes along, but we want to have a picnic at some point and we truly don't want any thunder, because around this house, it can get really scary during a storm.

So far the sun is shining and everyone is happy. Let's hope it stays that way!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Difference tween my Gun n' my Pistol

I'm exhausted, but last night I went looking for inspirational images and ended up packing my own inner visual library full of new things. The result is this speedy painting that I decided to leave rather unfinished because I like the look of it. The title is from a song by Puscifer.

Other than this I'm working on a commissioned piece and of course, deadzone stuff whenever I get time for it. There is so much being created for deadzone that I can't show yet since that would just ruin the whole surprise of actually reading the thing once it's finished. I don't want to hand out any spoilers! Have patience though, the process of creating this graphic novel has really only just begun, and it it sure will take some time to get it done.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Weekend Wishes!

I've survived this crazy week with a few headaches, stiff shoulders and a heart running way too fast. My sister and my mother came over to help me clean my apartment and pack some things. My thesis is handed in and I hope it passes. On monday I'm going away with dear Lise to take care of some cats, and we're planning to take loads of pretty pictures and just relax. I'm looking forward to it a lot. I think I need the vacation.

This weekends wishes make me feel happy and calm. I'd love to have these soothing colors in my new apartment whenever I get it. I have a lot to look forward to in the future, so I just have to go through this tiem of stress in order to get to those things. It's exciting for sure.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Correct every mistake

I'm working, and working, and then I do some sleeping and in the evenings I try to reward myself with drawing. I have some of that to show later, but for now, I still have loads of work to do if I want to have any hope of getting that graduation in time. This work is all about correcting every single mistake I've made. It's not creative, it's not fun, it's just tedious and makes me realize how many typos I make and how many times I repeat the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... Well, you get my point. I'm going a little crazy here.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Happy? Hungry!

First day of my week of stress, and I've made it though without any huge breakdowns. I just have a mild headache and nothing of interest to show except a happy cake I made for a friend in need of some cheerful sweetness. It makes me hungry to look at.

I went and bought really healthy stuff to eat today to make sure my body will survive the tension and the stress it's going though. Lemony sweet yogurt, rice cakes and peaches! Somehow buying healthy food feels luxurious. It's not really more expencive than the bad food I usually buy, so why not eat like this all the time? I need to change my habits, it's tasty and refreshing to do so.

Now I've just written about things to eat. Maybe I'm hungry now without realizing it? Yes.. yes I think I am.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Too much on my mind

Everything seems to happen all at once right now, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to focus or sort out my priorities. All I want to do is sit down calmly and draw, paint, write or anything relaxing and creative, but the fact is that I have a long and gruesome list of tasks to go through before I gain that freedom.

I have one week to fix a whole bunch of stuff, including packing for my move to Malmö and finishing my education. After that I'll have one weeks vacation, guarding the old cats of my in-laws out in the countryside, which will be a welcome time for relaxing, but is very badly planned considering everything else going on.

Perhaps I need to visualize what my life will look like once all these things are dealt with. Once I'm down there in a new city with new things to explore. The start of my career and hopefully the start of a more social and active me that doesn't spend all days locked up in an apartment. I want to see things, meet new people and overcome my fears, my shyness and my pessimistic side that keeps telling me that everything will end in complete chaos and ruin.

Today I went through all my deadlines and wrote the dates up in my calendar that I almost never use. It's turquoise and pretty and should be useful for something other than lying underneath my teacup. That's also something I'd like to change. More organization. Once I get my own apartment down there in the south of Sweden, I'm gonna set up a real work space with a calendar, a proper list where I can write down all commissions and deadlines, and of course I'm gonna have real storage for all my art supplies so that they don't have to be thrown all around my kitchen.

Wishful thinking, but I need this vivid, hopeful imagination right now as I enter a new week, the final week of stress, pressure and pure panic.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Weekend Wishes!

This morning I took a walk in the park nearby. Nobody was out except me and my dog, and the sun was shining really brightly but the temerature was just right. It doesn't need to get any warmer now, I like it just the way it is. I didn't even feel like wearing headphones with my usual music. The silence was very nice actually, perhaps because my head was so heavy and my body was aching from a night of some mysterious "illness" or whatever I should call it. It's over now thankfully, but the sleepiness and heavyness remains. Still, back to the good stuff. This weekends wishes are all themed around sunshine, blue skies and all the cute stuff intbetween. So incredibly cheerful!

Friday, May 6, 2011


Yesterday I felt the need to draw something personal again, something with color in the middle of all the gray of Deadzone. I also felt the need to use a pen on real paper again since I've gone back to fully digital pieces for a while. So the result of these urges is 'Fox'. I still can't decide if I like the lines or the colored version better. Coloring for me is always a bit of a bittersweet experience since it brings out the soul in a piece of art, but it covers the lines and push them back. The foundation is important to me.

My love for line art is reflected in my taste as well. I almost always prefer to look at art with lines, and I often find a well drawn sketch more beautiful than a fully rendered, shaded piece with color. I don't know why really. Perhaps it's because it's untouched then. The drawing still has all the potential left. Like... a virgin. Oh goodness! Haha, what a metaphor. Well that's what happens when I try to deeply analyze my own taste in art.