Tuesday, July 24, 2012

About conflicts

First of all, this picture is me last winter, realizing in the elevator to my office that I'm about to be in the same room as a very prominent swedish politician that I really don't agree with. I'm about to be there with security guards, looking like some sort of colourful terrorist. It was kind of a funny thought so I snapped a picture of myself where I exaggerated it.

I've always been terrified of conflict. I never want to make anyone upset or angry, and this means that I've often hidden away the fact that I can get angry myself. The times of my life where I've gotten really angry I've either hidden it, or gone all out to express it. Either way ends up with me telling myself to calm down and not be so sensitive. Well fuck that!

It's permitted to be angry, and to express your views of the world and what goes on around you as long as you don't hurt anyone else. Upsetting and hurting is not the same thing. To try to keep this balance is very tricky sometimes, but thinking twice before you speak usually helps.

Whenever I write a blog entry that is slightly political or very personal about my views and opinions, I get nervous. I don't want to make anyone upset. I'm trying to get rid of that feeling of guilt, because some of these things really need to get out of my system. I usually think about 8 times before I even dare to speak up.

Lately I've been reading a whole lot about different things that make me upset. It's horrible and nice at the same time. It's good to stay updated on society and the things you care about, but sometimes the overwhelming feeling that the world is a horrible place filled with idiots gets the better of me. It makes me think that maybe I should just go back to focusing on pretty art and not care about the problems of the world. It just upsets me anyway, but no. I can do both at the same time, and I'll allow myself to both be angry, upset and calmly happy. Picking my battles and always having a backup plan with dreamy happy thoughts of silly animals and creative, wonderful people in case I get overwhelmed by the pure stupidity and uncaring attitude that is out there on the internet and the real world.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I wish

 The kind Mr.Bear urged me to sit down and paint something, because I've been complaining every night for ages that I'm not creative enough in my spare time. I'm happy I did it, and I'm happy that we ate tasty burgers tonight. I'm also happy because I've been talking a lot to my dear friends Lise and Elysia who don't know each other and they are in different parts of europe, but they are very dear friends of mine.

I don't have a lot of close friends. I'm too shy and too scared I think, so the closest connections I have are over the internet. We talk about life and the good things, the bad things, everything. I wish quite often that I had some kind of teleporting device so that I could just pop over to my friends, talk face to face and do all the things I imagine "real life" friends do. Well, I'll just aim towards getting rich from finding some dragon treasure in a hidden cave somewhere so I can travel instead.

So I made this art journal thingy tonight while drinking some white wine, just trying to forget that I'm awfully tired and kind of gloomy right now. Being creative in this free way without pressure really releases a lot of stress and my art journal is getting thicker and thicker with these scribbly scraps of photos, magazine cutouts and painted swirls. I'll try to fill every page of it but I won't rush. I started about the same time I started this blog, so it's been with me for quite some time. Now I'll head off to bed and read a book. Tomorrow is friday and I'm longing for that lovely long sleep I'll have saturday morning. I need my sleep for sure.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

When you are young

This amazing art was made for me on my birthday by beautiful Elysia who has a really cute and emotionally important tumblr you should check out. It's about the emotionally scary and still amazing road towards making it as an artist.

I wanted to write some stuff about this since I can relate to so many of these things, and I think they are important to anyone young (or old) struggling to find themselves and a way to cope in life. Combining your creative and sensetive soul with a sometimes scary and harsh reality where you have to make money in order to survive.

For a long time I thought a job with art involved would be impossible for me. Too bad all other options also seemed impossible. I couldn't make it through even a week in an ordinary job without losing my mind, breaking down completely and feeling that life wasn't worth living. Somehow I got through those moments of self doubt and fear. I gathered enough power to continue to work on my art and find some kind of path to follow in order to get a job where I knew I'd get to do what I do best and not just fill an employment slot because I need money.

Before getting there though, things might seem hopeless. There are many nights of soul searching and creating plan B, plan C and all the way though the rest of the alphabet. Concerned adults asking: "What will become of you? How will you make money? But where will you live? Who is going to pay the bills while you pretend to be a child forever?" All those questions are then repeated through your mind and you eventually lose your hope and dreams. But that doesn't have to be the case!

If you somehow manage to get through the doubts of others, ignore the doubts coming from yourself and just keep on going with what you know you want to do, there is always a way. It might not be a straight road and you might have to repeat this scary process over and over before you land somewhere safe. Remember than even though you´re stuck in a place you don't want to be in, you always have your skills and your creativity and that won't leave you. There are jobs out there, and there are alternative paths to go. One day it will happen and once you are there you will be able to look back at that sad and scared person and know that you are truly strong for being able to make it through. Until then, drink tea and keep drawing because you love it! <3

Listen to this song by Laleh!
She sings about how others might doubt your abilites. I'd love to translate the lyrics but I should be working.

Monday, July 16, 2012

My little ADHD pony

Horse: It doesn't work...
Bear: Totally ok...

I'm really tired today, and all of last week too. When I think about it I think I've been tired for weeks, months, years. Up and down, but always a bit sleepy, lacking energy except a few hours here and there when I can focus on something funny or creative, then back to tired and unfocused again.

Well, it's not that strange I guess. About a year ago I got my ADHD diagnose. At first it didn't feel very accurate, I mean, my idea of ADHD was a loudmouthed brat that was never calm or relaxed. Well, the relaxed part was true about me. I never relax fully, there is always some kind of anxiety or thought jumping around in my head.

They explained to me that just because I'm hyperactive doesn't mean it has to show. I'm hyper on the inside so when I appear calm and silent, it's just because my head is so full of screaming thoughts running wild and rampant. It also means focusing on something is very very tricky. I mean, how am I supposed to focus on this painting if my thoughts speak both slowly and fast at the same time and all kinds of scenarios play out at the same time. It's sort of like going to a rock concert where two bands are playing at once, just inches from eachother. One is like a super angry death metal band and the other is a quiet acoustic thingy with sweet lyrics. 

It's become very obvious lately since I've been feeling better in general about life and I have a job that I can manage. I used to feel a lot worse before and now that the worst things are resolved and gone, the lack of energy and focus is still there and I realize, it's always been there.

I wish and wish that I'll become one of those energetic, happy people that can hang out with friends, work and then to home and buy groceries and later party for hours without feeling like falling into tears or falling into bed and sleep for weeks on end. If more than two tasks pile up for me I can panic and start feeling like I'll never manage to climb this mountain of impossibility that is doing both the laundry and making food. Things that I guess normally would cause people to sigh and feel that life is boring makes me feel like crashing into a wall head first and then scream until the laundry cleans itself (or ususally when my boyfriend does it for me) It doesn't have to be things like that either. It can be something like both get dressed and brush my teeth. Most of the time I have to pick just one and I don't go to work naked. I might have some holes in my teeth through.

It's tiresome and a bit embarrasing at times, that I feel like a 4-year old when I should be an adult. I feel lazy and stupid a lot when I don't understand the technical aspects of a work assignment because I simply can't listen to someones explanation for more than 5 seconds before the death metal band scream-sings all information away from my brain.

I like this part about myself sometimes too, it's not all bad. It also makes able to hyperfocus when I find something I really love, such as when I paint warhammer figures for hours. Sure I almost faint afterwards, but this hyperfocus while doing creative things has halped me a lot in life. I also like that it makes me dream up the most bizarre and odd little things in my head that I often verbalize and tell others about. My horse comic is such an example. Well, I'll try to deal with it best I can. It's a bittersweet thing, this ADHD pony living in my brain.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Beer in my hair

It's my birthday tomorrow and since it's Monday tomorrow we decided it was best to celebrate my birthday ahead of time to avoid hangovers at work. We gathered up a small group of friends and went out, had some BBQ in the rain and then went for drinks and dancing. This photo is from a really nice, tiny basement club called 'Backstage' and it's where I met the Bear for the first time actually. They play rock music, usually have live bands playing and while it's almost claustrophobic and the red light makes all photos look like something out of a horror movie, I really like it.

I don't have many photos of me while partying, mostly since I haven't been doing much of it until these past months. It's nice to just let go sometimes and in an odd way, these times when I'm kind of drunk I see and notice small things that give me more inspiration for art and writing. It feels like it should be the opposite since being drunk isn't exactly a state of mind that goes hand in hand with focus.

Anyhow, I had a nice time celebrating my birthday and both me and my friend here on the picture ended up on the floor while dancing (since it was slippery like ice in hell) and I ended up having half a beer bottle in my hair before we left. Fun times!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Sweet Artist: RedGella

 I felt like I had to share something pretty after all that seriousness in my previous post. Here is some beautiful art from RedGella on DeviantArt. I actually don't know much about this artist but it's a swedish one! This whole gallery is really interesting, and I love this top image of the polar bears. The lines, the colours, everything just appeals to me. It makes me a bit happier and more distracted from troublesome thoughts to look at this.

Safe storage

I've been debating with myself wether I should write about this or not. I decided I wanted to even though it's not an easy subject. It's about mental health issues. The reason I'm thinking about this now is that I recently read a bunch of articles on how girls in sweden with self harm problems and eating disorders are treated.

We're living in a society were self harm is incredibly common, especially amongst young girls. The help that can be found is often in the form of medication and therapy. If that doesn't help, there are hospitals. One step further though are the locked institutions where you put criminals such as murderers and rapists who are deemed mentally insane. That doesn't really sound like a good environment for a young girl who suffers so much that she feels she has to cut and starve herself but it's reality in sweden today, and I bet it's just the same in other countries if not worse.

They are locked in isolation with gloves that can't be taken off and helmets on their heads, or strapped to their beds like you'd imagine in a mental asylum back in 1900-something. These methods are not only used for their safety but also as punishment for their behavior. They are not legal but used anyway. This information comes from a number of swedish articles, I can link a few to those who are interested. I can also link the medical documents where it is written that these methods are being used.

I didn't know this was the end station for girls with these problems. It seriously scares the living shit out of me that people can be treated this way, and that people that aren't guilty of any crimes or are in any way dangerous still get locked in mental institutions meant for criminals. It just seems like something that would happen in a movie, but it's very real and it's happening now. The reason I'm so scared is because it could have happened to me too. I'm mostly healthy now thanks to therapy and amazing people who have helped me get better and feel better, but if I had been in an other environment, without those people helping me, my problems could still be there and they could have been worse. 

I didn't know that there was some kind of limit where you are too sick for regular treatment and they just give up and put people in safe storage just to make sure they don't kill themselves without caring wether this "security" make people healthier or not. Well now I do know and I feel devastated. There is so much I'd like to say on this subject but I feel like I can't squeeze it all into one blog post. I just needed to get this information out in writing because it's been clouding my thoughts for a while.

I created this blog during the time I had serious problems. I used it as therapy in a way, to try to always remain positive and focus on the beautiful things in life that I love, such as pretty images and cute things that make me smile. I rarely focused on my mental health issues but now that I feel much better I feel that I can share my thoughts on the matter a bit more. I still want to focus on the bright sides of life, but these things shouldn't be forgotten. I might write more about it later. Now I'm off to play some video games to shake this nasty feeling off. Take care!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Vacation relaxation

 Next week I'm going back to work. While I'm back at home now I still want to enjoy things I don't normally do on workdays. Me and the Bear went out for a picnic! We brought some pringles, a couple of sandwiches, tea and beer. We put the blanket underneath a group of trees and just chilled for a few hours. I was reading a bit and just enjoyed the quiet and the sun. I haven't been that relaxed in a veeery long time. We even got to pet a cute little puppy because some kids wanted to show her to us for no real reason. She wanted a sip of my tea though, that cheeky dog.

Laleh - Oh my tangerine

I first heard Laleh when I had just moved away from home and into my first apartment. I was 17 and it took some time for me to get used to her music, but once I did I loved it. Ever since then I've bought every single record she released, learned the lyrics to every song and they've been with me through my life, both happy moments and sad. Her lyrics have taught me a lot about life and about myself, and I keep going back to her music now and then to feel home in a way.

At Peace & Love I finally got to see her live, and it was just as incredible as I hoped. As I stood there I knew I had to paint her once I was back home and this is the result. I want to send it to her as a sort of thank you for all the comfort I've found in her music throughout my life from insecure teenager to a reasonably happy adult. I also want to send lots of love and thoughts to Karin Wahlbäck who I know also is a huge fan of Laleh. That woman was also there when I really needed it, always giving me a secure place to run to when I was sad and confused about life.

This feels very personal, and it is, but I'm really happy I managed to finish this piece and I hope it makes all those who haven't listened to this music to appreciate it! Just watch this video!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


I haven't created a page in my art journal since last summer so I thought it was about time now. In theme with my festival adventure I made this. Sadly I don't have any photos at all from my trip since I didn't want to risk bringing my camera or my expensive phone to the camp. I doubt I would have been in any real shape to photograph things anyway since I was knocked out with a cold most of the time and before I got sick I had terrible headaches that made things less than enjoyable. In any case the idea is to try again next time the chance comes around, and hopefully my body and my mentality will be more cooperative. I'm still a bit sick so I think I'll head straight back to bed now and enjoy my time off by sleeping myself back to normality.


I'm back from the Peace & Love festival and I've been spending some time thinking about how I used to blog way more frequently before. This break was because of no internet access, but still. I miss posting random inspiration and not just my own art!

These are photos from an editorial called Caravelle by photographer Laura Allard-Fleischl found at the Cool Hour. That whole place is full of awesome fashion inspiration. The feel of these photos kind of reminded me of that grungy festival feeling I've been experiencing this past week. 

To be honest, I was only there two whole days out of five because of health issues. Typical Emmy story where nothing turns out as planned. First of all we got stuck several times on our train trip because of delays. Once in place however I kind of loved it. Putting our tent up, hiding away from the rain, the chaos of thousands of people in one crowded space and the wine to make my head a bit woozy.

Well well, it didn't take long before all those things combined with my tendencies to get stressed and nervous around people and new environments gave me a terrible headache. The second day we have to rush with a cab out of there since I panicked from a migrane and the beginning of a cold. Luckily we had a real place to stay instead of the tent as an emergency resort. The rest of my week was spent on a couch, watching Discovery Channel on a comfy couch while trying to cure a sore throat and a fever that would have been a nightmare in a tiny cold tent surrounded by drunk people cheering and singing 24/7.

I got to experience some of it though, and when I wasn't ill, I loved it. I got to see the bands I had been looking forward to the most and I refused to let my illness keep me from seeing Skrillex and Laleh. I'm home now and that feels good. Hopefully, if I dare to try this whole festival thing again next year, I won't be as sensitive and easily knocked off my feet.