Thursday, February 21, 2013

by trying so hard not to

what happens to us if we accept that i'm unfixable?
it's okay it's okay it's okay i didn't know what i said

i'm so afraid to tell you
this isn't what I'm used to

Elite Gymnastics - Here in Heaven

My two latest pieces have felt like pouring so many very true emotions out. I don't think I've really been able to convey the exact emotion I feel in my paintings before. It's a very helpfull process to sit by myself, listening to music that sets the mood and then really step into my art. 

This picture means a whole lot to me and I struggled to get the exact expressions right. I wanted to convey sadness, fear but most of all hope and safety. It's a very complex mix of emotions to have and it's even more complex to get right in a painting. 

Recently I've been going through so many different emotions that it feels overwhelming sometimes but the difference from before is that my emotions feel genuine instead of sick like they did before. When I cry I cry real tears. When I feel worried I am genuinely worried and when I'm happy I can actually feel real happiness. The fact that they feel so real is kind of surreal in itself. Real is a feeling.

So, to tell the story behind this image without exposing too much detail, it originates from my past fears interferring with how I act and think today even though I try really hard not to let it affect me. Not used to trusting people, not used to feeling safe and genuinely loved for who I am and not just who I appear to be while trying to please others. It's very scary to expose your true self like that after never showing it to anyone. Besides, whenever I have really shown myself to those I have trusted in the past I have had to deal with the fact that most can't handle it. They turn away when they realize some things can't be fixed. Most things don't have to be fixed at all. All I need is to know that the people I love stay by my side no matter what my mind is doing to me. Being the safe foundation to rely on in case I start feeling scared again.

Oh, wow, yeah... This is really packed with feels. The thing I'm trying to say though is that I think I'm starting to learn that there are people like this out there. That I can be who I really am without having to fear being abandoned. So despite this being a very sad image I hope it shows that it's really a very hopeful one. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Oh...ok, it's alright.

I've truly been so calm and happy these past months since I came out of the hospital. My entire life has changed and I feel like I'm strong enough to handle anything now. I think I confused this strenght with being indestructible but it's not the same thing. Now and then I feel just as fragile and weak as I did bad then and I get scared every time because I really don't want to go back to that state of mind.

I painted this picture to get all of the pain and anxiety out. The comments I've recieved on DA really reflect what I wanted to convey with this image. People don't know wether they love it or hate it. Someone said they didn't even want to look at it again despite really liking the artwork in itself. People have asked what the story is and I didn't feel sure I wanted to write about it openly since I've put a lot of that shit behind me but now that I've thought more about it I'm not that scared to share anymore. Since it's behind me I can let it out freely.

I won't go into detail but the feelings I put into this picture has a lot to do with abuse, both physical and emotional that I've suffered through during different parts of my life. All that hurt and the fear, sadness and anger. The title describing the words I've always used during those times of crying when at the same time trying to assure the person who hurt me that it's ok. It's never been ok though.

The only pain I still feel about these difficult times in the past is the pain of being so angry that I can barely contain it. I can't get it out at the people who deserve to hear how they hurt me because it's in the past. I wouldn't gain anything from talking to them now. I don't want to think about them. But I won't ever say that things are ok again if they aren't. I'll never put up with that sort of abuse again and every time I catch myself putting other peoples emotions before my own I will look back on this image and remember that taking care of my own feelings is more important than anything. This is something everyone would do well to remember. It's not being selfish, it's about survival really. Nobody will thank you in the end if you just let people step on you while you push your own needs away over and over. In the end you'll sit there regretting not speaking up. Feeling like a fool for suffering so long while nobody really knew just how bad things were. I can't really speak about what I've been through, not with friends and not even my family because it upsets them too much. While hearing me out they start to feel that same pain and anger and they can't handle it. I can't blame them for that. I just hope they understand why I sometimes need to let it out. I carry that anger and pain every day even though it shrinks away more and more. At some point I'll be able to let it go for real.

It's actually ok now, for real. I'm alright. I'm happy even though I cry sometimes. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

All over, all the time!

I feel like I'm all over the place, all the time. It's in a good way I guess, but I've sort of lost track of time and the days of the week. Work and spare time sort of melts together because work is so much fun right now. We're all super busy and excited at the office because we're polishing all the final details and making sure Sanctum 2 really turns out as awesome as we want it. For me these weeks mean lots and lots of promotional art. I've been waiting for this since I started working at Coffee Stain. Finally I get to sit down with the goal to create some really eye-catching and worked through paintings. Promotional art and concept art are very different in the way that concepts are quick layouts of ideas, often tons of them at once! Promo pieces are supposed to sell the game, make people want to click the icon or the banner to see what the product is. It's a lot of responsibility but I love doing it! So headphones on and pump up the music real loud, that's what makes it truly enjoyable. Then add some delicious coffee and I'm ready to make art happen.

But what about my time off work ey? Well I dunno! It sort of disappears in a haze of calm and happy rest where I can just kick back and chill. Or dance wildly like in the photos above... I have so many things I want to create and paint after work but I just don't feel like it right now. Being so productive and happy at the office makes it twice as enjoyable to spend my other time with friends or just watching movies, drinking tea and eating tasty noms. Besides, the art I create at work nowadays actually gets published right after I finish it so I get to show what my hand is up to daily. Fun times!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

sleepy bones awake

Yeah I know I look like a half dead junkie slut that just had her kitten strangled by a really mean person, but don't you worry! I was actually super happy when these pictures were taken. It was just early in the morning and I had the makeup left from the day before. Still though, I love this style and I love to experiment with different looks and combinations of clothes. It's like a little art project every time I get dressed since I want to find new combos each time and portray a certain feel, sort of like character design. Different combos of clothes bring out certain aspects of my personality. If I wear something punk I feel like an untouchable badass. If I wear a cute white dress along with some torn leggings I feel like a modern day Pippi Longstocking if she had been partying all night. So much fun!

I'll try to remember to get pics of all these combos because I want to gather them into some sort of reference library for myself. Also because I change my hair and style so often these days that it will be really fun to look back on my superficial journey in a few years.

I'm horribly slow when it comes to use my LookBook-profile but hey, I'll try okay. Just have to remember not to forget. Go there and look at my looks if you wanna. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Cinnabun hun!

I received an e-mail some days ago that kind of blew my mind away. This really awesome girl got my cinnabun girl tattooed! I've always had a hard time picturing my art as tattoos which is also why I never accept offers from people who want tattoo designs from me. Having existing art of mine made this way is really amazing for me to see though and I feel extremely honored!

I love how the tattoo artist managed to capture all the right shades and little gradients of the original image. I just wonder what my younger self had felt if she knew that this little random imaginary friend creature would one day be so loved that she got to decorate a girls arm in another part of the world. I know my current self feels endlessly happy!

Also, I find it incredibly sweet how the e-mail with these pictures was ended with the cute sentence: "I´m also happy to hear that you have turned into a pierced squirrel on ecstasy!"

Feels like ecstasy squirrel is my new identity, yes indeed!

Friday, February 1, 2013


e.l.esdee - speed paint

I've been going through so many changes during the past couple of months. I'm still in the middle of it all and it feels like time is flowing by so fast. I feel really good about life and where I'm going. I feel like I obtain a new High Score of happiness every day that goes by. This has made me go out more, see things, be with friends and just enjoy every little bit of life since I haven't been able to do that before. I've been glued to my computer, alone in bed, feeling all miserable and sad.

So while feeling better than ever I am also kind of disconnected to the world outside of where my actual person is. I'm online but I rarely chat with people anymore. I forget to answer texts because I don't look at my phone very often and I check my mail once ever three days or so. That's intentional on my part since I want to reduce stress levels caused by trying to keep track of online socializing. I really don't mean anything by it and I love all my friends, even those who aren't close physically. I just can't keep up with the pace of online communication anymore and honestly, I don't want to. I want to be able to have casual contact with the people I love without feeling bad if I don't reply within a minute of a text. Oddly enough people seem to worry a whole lot if I don't reply. They know I feel great and that my life is really sweet right now and they still act as if I had been run over by a car or if I suddenly hate them or don't care because I can't write that often.

Honestly, it makes me both sad and stressed out because I have no bad intentions at all. I don't deliberately ignore people. I just want to be able to choose when I can spend time by the computer and when I want alone-time, doing IRL stuff. To me, friendship is way more than texts and e-mails. It feels natural to me to have a conversation and then there might be months of silence before talking again. You can just pick it up with no worries because you know there are no bad intentions from the internet silence. At least that's how I see it, but I worry that people might think I ignore them on purpose. I'm not. Really, I just want to be free and do whatever I want without having to explain or tell everyone where I am at all hours of the day. I'm fine, I haven't been run over by a car and I still love you. Okay? Chill the grill.