Tuesday, April 30, 2013


 Images. I live with them. Images I find outside of myself and the images that come from inside. I always come back to the same themes. You don't choose your own taste in art, photography and literature. It's all about youth, boys and girls with that certain kind of hard melancholia disguised by beauty. I'm deeply amazed by the emotions and ideas that can be conveyed through very simple imagery if you're able to look deeper than what you see at first glance. Some images stay with me forever and really have an impact on the way I see things or which direction I want to take in my own artistic expressions. Tumblr is a very nice community for gathering images and inspiration but I've found that to be it is way more than just a way of blogging and re-blogging pretty pics. If I look through my tumblr-blog I get all the memories back of what I felt like when I found and reblogged that specific photo. It's actually a much more personal and naked image of my emotions and thoughts than what this text-based blog is. I am and I've always been very open and honest here but I think the way of expressing yourself through a flow of combined images that you just find at random is a very interesting form of writing a diary. It doesn't say anything if you can't read between the pixels, but for a person who knows me and has some clue of what I'm going through I'm sure the symbolism, combinations of colours and themes will tell a very accurate story.

Some days I only feel like black and white. Other days there are rainbows of trippy colours, photos of ice cream and lollipops and the day after I post images of teary-eyed punk girls in bathtubs. I don't think any one single piece of art I've made or a single text entry on this blog can describe my whole person and personality as well as that tumblr can. Wanna see who I am? Take a look.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Where have I been?

I don't even know... I don't even want to include a picture in this post which breaks my consistant theme of always having images as a theme for my words.

I guess my life, as always, has been confusing. I's actually quite amusing how I always manage to confuse myself in the strange situations I find myself in. Ever since I stopped being a terrified little lump-like rabbit person I've gone off on various adventures that really make my life a whole lot more interesting but then afterwards I don't even know how I got into those adventures to begin with. Being spontaneous is great though and I'm starting to realize that this kind of spontaneous bravery (or stupidity  depending who you ask) can lead me to unexpected places.

I've been completely exhausted from tight deadlines at work since the launch of Sanctum 2 is approaching fast. I've been so wrapped up in it all that I've sort of gotten lost in that creativity. At the same time I've been inspired to reach out and try new forms of creative outlets. I've gotten back my urge to really focus on writing. I have new found energy and dreams about making that art book / biography / poetry thingy into reality. I just need to start somewhere and I think my most recent adventures has given me that final push in the right direction.

I've always hated feeling stuck in one place. That nasty sensation of being too comfortable in a place or situation that doesn't really move forward as fast as you'd want it to. I've always reached my biggest goals and dreams when I've dared to take that giant risky leap of changing everything. I think I'm ready to make that change again, but I need some time to prepare. Sort of like packing my mental backpack before I set out on a journey. I don't even know what my goals are. I think the traveling is the goal in itself and I don't mean traveling literally. More like just setting my life back in motion again. The only thing I need to do is to decide on something, set my eyes on it and then GO GO GO!

Feels scary and good as all great things do.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Not feeling empty anymore, it was as I predicted, a temporary bump on the road in a very bumpy every day life of me. Today I feel full! Like... full of myself! Yes, you heard me. I really don't see anything wrong with that description since being full of yourself means you actually appreciate yourself which is a good thing! As long as you don't walk around being all obnoxious and look down on others because of it. Ok I admit it, I can be a bit obnoxious but not in a mean or rude way. Noh noh!

Today I sat on the office couch all day with my laptop, planning ahead and doing a lot of writing instead of the usual painting. It feels good to just really dive into a specific part of work sometimes and spend a whole day focusing on it. My head can't really handle switching between tasks too quickly. It gets all dizzy and stuff. So while I was sitting there on the couch, writing and plotting, there was this cute boi cuddling with me! Sackboi! Gah, I miss playing Little Big Planet with G now. All those giggles!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Full of Empty

I'm trying to think of something to say that would describe how things are and what I'm doing. You know, the stuff you put on your blog. It's just that my days sort of melt together now and I don't really know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I guess I feel sort of empty right now. Even my attempts to paint at home end up feeling more empty than usual. It might be the tangled mess of confusing emotions that have tossed my mind around a bit too much. Emotional exhaustion. Still, I'm trying to replace all this empty with friends, laughs and plans for summer. Somehow it all feels kind of outside of me which I really don't like. As if I'm not actually a part of my own life right now, just watching from the sidelines wondering what's going on. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, but it's temporary. Just like everything else.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Now in full color motion picture!

So yes, I have thought about this for a long long time. And now I've done it. I'm on youtube. I will now not only blog, tweet, paint and tumblr-fumble but also talk nonsense with myself for all the world to see. Feels good. Feels safe. People on the internet are always nice... Right?

Mixtapes and Symbolism

I realized something today. Well, I think I've known for quite some time but it became really clear while trying to explain how my mind works to my friend. I overthink. This is common. But mix this with the mind of an artist who loves to analyze psychology, philosophy, symbolism and metaphors in music, images and poetry. I can see symbolism everywhere and I love to think about it. Twist and turn things in my head to make things fit like some sort of beautiful puzzle.

I don't expect people to be able to follow my trails of thoughts but I probably expect people to be able to see things the way I do. Of course they don't. Most people don't think like that at all and even if they do they might not see the things I see. They think and feel differently which is just the way things work.

When I go through things in life. Emotional turmoil, extreme happiness, curiosity, sadness or anger, I have a need to express this somehow. I try to explain things to myself to get some sort of order amongst my disorganized thoughts and ideas. I think I've always been like this but it's not until recently I've really started to become aware of it and how I can use it in artwork. More importantly though, I learn little by little how I work and how others work. Maybe this means I can avoid misunderstandings, confusion and sadness in the future? I hope so. I'll still make cryptic and symbolic art. Write strange poems that probably don't make sense to most people. It's my way of coping with things that I find difficult to handle otherwise. I love to share what I think and feel but not because I need others to understand. I do it to make myself understand and then if I'm able to convey what I feel that is a very sweet bonus.

Sometimes I feel like I'm way crazier than I thought I was but I don't think I'm really crazy (except for obvious mental illness) I'm simply an artist. Yes, the kind of artist that likes to sit by herself with her deep thoughts and create things that hold great meaning to her and to others it might just be another pretty picture. I laugh at this myself sometimes since it's such a storybook example of what an artist is like. Well, I guess that's just me. I've accepted that and I'm slowly accepting that most people probably won't be able to read my mind even when I really want them to. I'll try to be more clear in the future. But I'll never stop being cryptic either! Let me give you an example...

american pancake mix tape. made it for me. gave it to you. to understand us. others can find it if they can read the signs. enter the code. find the hidden feels.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Effects of the Sun!

I know I've mentioned before, at some point in the past, that the weather has a huge impact on my moods. Most people prefer good weather over bad (obviooously..) but I feel that when I wake up a morning with sunshine everywhere I get this huge amount of energy and feel so happy I have to get up out of bed and just dance. This means I sometimes get late since dancing and getting dressed at the same time is kind of tricky. Well well...

A well known fact about me is that I suffer from extreme and rapid moodswings. I never know when a good day might turn into a horrible one and the other way around. My art usually reflects this. I can't draw happy things while feeling bad and I can't draw sad things while being super happy. I've also realized when looking back at my own gallery that you can see how my mood shifts over time. The downtimes and the ups. Highs and lows. It's sort of like a diary in art that I haven't really thought about before.

This gave me an idea because I've wanted to write about my own life. I've also always wanted to make a proper artbook. So why not both? It's still just a vague idea in my mind but I think I could do it. Mix true stories from my life with my own texts, poems, artwork and get an overview of my life this way. I'm actually really excited and all I need is a basic outline and somewhere to start. I'd do it for myself mostly but of course I want to share it too! That's the whole point of creativity for me. I make my art for my own happiness and then that enjoyment just doubles when I get to share it with others.