Monday, January 27, 2014

But perhaps I could...?

I'm sick of waiting for my life to begin
It sucks to sit and wish for the good things to happen
Perhaps I could...?
No, no I couldn't, it's too hard. 
But.. Maybe? Maybe it's not?

I have all the ideas, all the plans I just...
I procrastinate too much, I never get it done.
WTF tho? Nobody can stop me from doing it!
I won't let them stop me.
My parents. My boss. My teachers.
Always demands, gotta work, gotta study but...
They´re not exactly stopping me from anything.
When I think about it people actually encourage me.
Who's stopping me then?
I hate that person!
Who dares to tell me what I can and can't do?! 
Silly. I know I can draw that thing, write that novel if I..
If what? If I was better at it?
But I already know how to use a pen. 
Perhaps that is all I need?
Perhaps I should just try?
No.. not try. Just do.
But there is this block, a fence, a fucking brick wall.
Who built that wall?

Did I build it? But I want to be free!
Why did I do that to myself?
Why am I still doing it?
Why am I still questioning myself?
You can't tell me i suck, you can't tell me I'm not good enough.
Eat shit and shut the fuck up you evil brain-monster.
I won't listen to you anymore. 
You're not allowed to tell me what to do, you´re just a part of MY body.
I decide what you think and then you can be there in my skull, sulking and complaining about how difficult everything is. I'm pretty darn awesome actually and I won't listen to you.

I'm gonna dream on and sit down right now and just do whatever I gawd daym please because I'm my own boss. So listen to me for a while, the dreaming creative and rather fragile person who can create wonderful things in my mind. That is me. That is who I am. Not later. I am that person, right now. I can accomplish my dreams, today.

Thank you all for commenting and just for reading my last post! I wanted to reply instantly but I kept myself from it because most of your words and reactions speak so well on their own. You can all relate and understand the thoughts when put into a long list sentences. You can also see what the problem is because you're pretty amazingly smart actually. You know that we block ourselves. We procrastinate because we are afraid of what might happen if we fail. What would people think of us? They'd probably just laugh and realize we´re frauds that can't actually do anything! SCARY! D:

But when you start thinking about it, has anyone actually told you that you suck, that you can't accomplish anything, that you're not good enough. Has anyone called you useless or encouraged you NOT to trust your heart and your dreams? If someone actually have said these things to you what did you think of this person? How did they make you feel? You sort of hate them right? Especially if it's someone close to you like your parents, a boyfriend or girlfriend. It makes you devastated, depressed and discouraged. It pushes you down to the bottom of the awful dramatic ocean of despair. You hate being there, it's awful. Blegh...

Why does it feel like those things are true then? Those thoughts of not being good enough or that you'll just fail if you even dare to try. Perhaps because there is someone saying these horrible things to you. 

It's you. 

To be continued later on. I loved reading your feelings and thoughts on my last post so I'd be even more super duper happy if you did the same thing on this post. It helps me when I write these random pseudo-psychological/philosophical  thoughts and theories.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I wish I could...

What If I fail?
I don't really have the time right now.
I should practice more.
I'm not good enough.
I should just snap out of it and grow up.
I want to follow my dreams but that won't pay the bills.
I really need a break but I can't just let everything go.
I wish I could stop worrying.
I used to be much more creative when I was a kid.
I'll never catch up to those who are ahead of me.
I should talk to my family more but...
I have to go to school.
I have to find a job.
I have to be realistic.
I have to face the facts.
Why am I even trying?
It feels like I'm just wasting my time.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Why can't I just be like her?
He is so much stronger than I am.
I wanted to say something but...
I don't like my body.
Why can't I just get myself together?
I just feel so useless.
I'm just lazy.
There are so many who could do my job better than me.
What if I'm not as good as people think I am?
What if I let everybody down?
What if they hate me?
Am I ugly? I feel ugly.
I'm just too sensitive.
It's too late to do that now.
If I won the lottery I'd do that.
I hate living here.
I want more.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know who I am.
I wish I could be like them.
I wish I didn't feel so much.
I wish I could meet someone who understands me.
Nobody ever understands me.
I feel alone.
I wish I could tell someone but they'll just think I'm stupid.
I don't want to die but I can't stand life.
But it hurts.
I tried but it was too hard.

I wish I could just run away...

I want you to read these sentences. Just read them plain up and down and think about them. That's really all I would like you to do. 

If you feel anything while reading or if you are stricken with a thought, associate with something, someone or yourself, feel free to write it down in the comments. It can be a single word or a whole wall of text. Doesn't have to make any sense. This is a little quest I want to give you, whoever you are that happens to stumble upon this blog. Then we'll see where it leads. I'm doing a little creative research you see ^__^